There is a symbiotic association between toxic people and their addiction to toxic relationships.
Whether they are romantic, the co-dependent addiction feeder/pusher type, or the superficial “I’ll scratch your ass if you wipe mine” pseudo-friendships people hang onto for appearance sake in keeping up with the Joneses.
A toxic relationship cannot subsist without some type of “earned” reward or sense of recognition. However, the “reward” should be nixed altogether because the end result isn’t a reward but is instead very much a consequence- the consequence being more bad behavior and unjustifiable bullshit down the line that you know you can and should do without.
Instead you have indoctrinated an ingrained stubborn and volatile brainwashing system of failure that you can’t let the person or the relationship go because some catastrophic disorder and disarray will ensue and force you to break your patterns. It’s a known fact people don’t like to make changes because it’s very hard and because it often involves breaking “unbreakable” patterns.
Our lives are centered around patterns and habits and they are embedded in our way of life. We can find the support we need to change our habits through countless seminars, self-help books, hypnosis, and costly visits to your psychiatrist to help facilitate the breaking of bad habits.
But why does it have to be that damn hard?
Because toxic people and toxic relationships are bad habits. And unfortunately the bad habits are the hardest to break.
You signed up for failure because you think that’s the absolute best you can do
You need someone to affirm you’re a pile- because that’s what you tell yourself every minute of every single day.
Since you haven’t given any confidence to the possibility that you aren’t pond scum and refuse to allow yourself to be involved with people who can prove you otherwise, you cling to people who are more than happy to keep knocking the chips off the old block. You handed them the shovel and you’re begging them to sling it across your face and use it to dig you a 6-foot hole.
The sanctimonious transaction between you and the toxic person allows you to keep envisioning yourself as someone who isn’t worthy of anything but maltreatment. What you crave is the hardship because it’s too much for you to believe you have more to offer than being in a relationship with someone who is sociopathic turd who wants to use you as punching bag.
Perhaps your entire life has evolved around people telling you you are worthless. The bad stuff is easier to believe. What you should be doing is asking yourself why you are limiting yourself and why you are defiant in expecting more of yourself and those around you.
There is nothing wrong with treating yourself fairly and expecting others to do the same. But it IS wrong to believe you can’t or shouldn’t.
There is a void you need filled that you cannot identify much less own up to
What is that you hate so much about yourself that you feel that you have no other choice than to live dissatisfied and miserable among other people who dissatisfied and miserable?
People who have love for themselves refuse to be dissatisfied and miserable and people who thrive on misery are toxic. They don’t want to see you happy, fulfilled, prosperous or given to life’s bountiful blessings.
It is important to thoroughly consider what role these people play in your life and at what compensatory loss you will have to continue to sacrifice yourself to keep them there.
Relationships are a give and take- and unfortunately for toxic relationships, there is more taking than giving.
People who don’t feel like they have much to lose don’t want to risk what little they feel they have. If that means holding onto a shitty relationship that will prevent them from being alone, they’ll cling to it for dear life.
Sometimes it goes deeper than loneliness. It goes right to the heart of remaining warm and toasty under the blanket of powerlessness and loss of hope. It feels good to feel bad because it gets to be comfortable and familiar. When it’s all you’ve ever known, you get used to it and the pattern continues.
Your priorities are out of whack
You’re not putting yourself or your needs first. You’re not loving yourself and being generous to yourself first. You’re not feeding your soul with feelings of worthiness, love and positive ambitions. And that is a deadly mistake.
You have to give to the toxic person first because they are sucking and strangling it out of you. They are forcing your consent by distracting you through abuse, degradation and negative belief systems that extract power from your all potential to be the person who is 100% fit for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
If you don’t start giving to yourself, that’s when people start taking. Toxic people only know how to take and have no regard for the irreparable damage they incur in leaving you empty- they render you a shell of a person, a chicken with its head cut off and they know just the level of abuse you need to keep you in check.
If you’re giving more and more to the toxic person, and you are, it’s time to turn the tables.
Your vulnerability attracts toxic people
A confident, well-adjusted person is virtually loser impenetrable. And the person with their head on straight finds depraved scumbags repugnant and unworthy of attention.
A lesser person recognizes immediately that they cannot extract what they can so easily from a person who’s self-reliance and self-worth is broken and vulnerable. Birds of a feather flock together so it is important to consider:
“If I’m attracting these kind of people, what does that say about me as a person? As relationship material?”
We are who we attract. If we want to surround ourselves with shitty people, we surround ourselves with shitty people. If we want to surround ourselves with great people, we surround ourselves with great people. It’s as simple as that.
It’s safe to say I don’t know a single person who is successful in any fashion who spends their time with bloodsucking losers. So why do you?
I find myself having to fight to hold my tongue on a lot of the issues I discuss on this blog. But I’ve grown very tired of doing that.
If you want the truth about why you’re in a toxic relationship, you’re going to have to do some soul-searching and have the guts to face the ugly truth about why you’re attracting these people and allowing yourself to fall “victim” to the iron fist of a terrible relationship that isn’t worth having for all the tea in China.
Until then and unless you are determined to make a change, you’ll just have to continue on with the charade in your refusal to break your bad habits. Toxic relationships, like any relationship takes TWO people. People will only do what you let them get away with.
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