I hear the same story all the time. Girl meets guy, girl ends up with guy. Girl and guy play house, share rent, the gas bill and a pseudo-promising relationship. Then boom, they break up and 3 months later, the guy marries someone else.

I never wait for a man to decide on me. And I’m not real good at dealing with any half-ass “maybe now/maybe later, hold your breath, close your eyes, jump through hoops and see where you land” Olympic-style bullshit.

Because at the end of the day, they are just men. They aren’t straw into solid gold gods and they don’t belong on a pedestal. I don’t give a shit who the guy is- he’s no better than anyone else and he certainly isn’t better than me.

From a very early age, I became accustomed to taking the initiative to be with a man because I like him, not because I want him to like me. When you show that you can’t assert yourself and make that kind of decision, whether you like the guy or not, the guy isn’t going to like you anyway- for lack of having any self-respect.

I choose because it is my choice, providing my wants aren’t so unrealistic or unachievable. I want what anyone who is sane and morally upstanding wants-  a partner they can love, who is responsible, trustworthy, loyal and treats them right.

And you assumed you had all that in the bag in your relationship when he suddenly up and left you on a whim and married someone else?

While what he did may be hard for you to believe, it’s hard for me to believe you didn’t see it coming – at the very least in some significant way that you chose to ignore at your own peril.

When someone doesn’t want you, it’s rarely ever a surprise. We usually know it yet we decide to stay in the relationship banking on the person’s potential and plausible deniability, rather than digging for and discovering what we dread to know.

You let him decide?

I’m not going to sit around and wait on anyone. Period. My needs come first. And if dude can’t make up his mind, I’ll make up his mind for him and leave.

If I’m content to put two and two together and he still can’t decide on me, it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t want me that much at all.

That’s the part people find themselves having so much trouble with- they don’t want to believe that the other person doesn’t want them. Then somehow it stands to reason that “if you are patient, malleable and don’t give him much of a fuss” he’ll eventually get on board. That by making it easy on him it will be a lot easier for him to want you.

It’s foolish to give people that much leverage when they aren’t at all enthusiastic about making that kind of decision in the first place. It’s even more absurd to let someone decide if they can “keep” you. Isn’t that what you do with a pet? Can we keep this stray dog, cat, goat, etc?

Second Rate City baby, Population YOU.

You tried too hard and gave too much

• You’re a buttkisser

Long passionate kisses on his rear end is a quicksand death trap. In kissing his butt it’s pretty certain you’re missing some elemental pride and dignity and he saw it not as desirable, but instead as a defect and a flaw. He saw it as a weakness and he subconsciously made the decision that he was going to duck out a lot sooner had it not been for him being weak himself and feeling sorry for you.

Pity is no way to keep a relationship. And in kissing his ass you thought maybe he’d show you a little sympathy. That’s why you did it, after all, right?

You chose to kiss his ass in reflection of wanting to keep him any way possible that you resorted to desperation (buttkissing is desperation).

It’s widely known that nobody likes a buttkisser because it’s low and gutless. So then it ought to be worthwhile to ask yourself why you feel so inclined to have to do it in your relationship?

Because he’s up there and you’re down here. And you’re second rate- at least from where he’s standing.

• You’re overbearing

My rear tires have less pressure in them. You were trying to paint your portrait among his landscape without even considering that you are sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong.

Just because he’s in a relationship with you it doesn’t mean you own him or call the shots.

In your quest to stake your claim in being his better half you spent a considerable amount of time “convincing” him this is the relationship he’s been waiting for all his life. You dragged him to the jewelers to look at rings, you started rearranging his apartment and when he told you was going to buy new furniture, you made it your business to muscle in and help him pick out stuff for the nursery.

You threw your weight around, and he threw caution to the wind and said “fuck it, I’m outta here”. You kicked his balls clean off his front. And he got sick to death of it.

• You tried to be the person you thought he wanted instead of just being happy and proud of being yourself

If the deal wasn’t good enough when he first signed up for it, what makes you think it was bound to get better years down the road?

If he didn’t take you the way you were in the beginning and you thought being who he wanted you to be, i.e. the person you conjured up in your mind, he’d be stupid not leave. After all, he’s clearly not getting who he thought he was bargaining for, right?

He didn’t want you and you didn’t want to believe it

It’s strange how we can carry on year after year with someone content, flies, moldy bread and an uncertain future, all the while we want full-fledged commitment so bad we can taste it into next week.

So we hang around and wait. And we keep hanging on and stretching it further and further until the string finally snaps to the point that it’s no longer salvageable and he can so easily up an marry someone else?

I doubt it.

If he wanted you, he’d do whatever it takes to keep you (and he sure as hell wouldn’t get busy marrying someone else). Yet you harbor so much resistance towards the principle behind that, that you refuse to believe it.

Your denial isn’t going to make him want you and it certainly isn’t going to make him stay.

He’s a co-dependent tool

It’s true. You weren’t alone in this, my friend. Your beau didn’t have the nads to tell you he wasn’t in it for the long haul at the same time he couldn’t face being alone.

He did what worked for him at the time. And he did it at the expense of your wasted relationship of X amount of years because he saw that he could use you and you would allow yourself to be used- and he could use you with a pretty clear conscience while leading you to believe that you two “needed” each other to “balance the scales”.

A good way to know if a man is co-dependent is to look at his relationship history. If he maintains that he is “not good at being by himself” or has never gone without being in a relationship, he is co-dependent. He has to keep a warm body around him at all times because he can’t be by himself.

Stay with a co-dependent man and you might as well self-diagnose yourself as second rate- he’s only with you for what’s good for him at the time and you aren’t his first choice.

I’m sure you’ve read in other places that your man up and marrying someone else isn’t your fault- that you are the victim and he played you like ukelele and you didn’t see it coming. While that may be partially true, you have to accept the fact that you stood around, waited for and let it happen. You don’t have to play the victim when you take full control over your life.

If your man up and married someone else, maybe you should take some serious time to reflect and rethink your choice in a partner. If a man is that willing to give his all to someone else and leave you with nothing, maybe it’s time for you to learn how to position yourself to be the recipient of all you want and deserve, and to never again decide on anything less.

You may also like:

Help! He’s No Longer Attracted to Me

How Can I Be More Confident in My Relationships?

Men See Right Through Your Bullshit

Sure Signs a Man is Crazy About You

Is He Leading Me On?