Help! He’s No Longer Attracted to Me

Dear Feisty,

I love your blog and everything you say I understand, but I was not raised to play games with men and be a “strong” person in my relationships.

I’ve been dating a guy for 5 years and we had a baby six months ago. I was terrified of what my body would look like afterward and if his feelings about me would change. Turns out, he doesn’t find me attractive anymore because of how I look.

I don’t think I’m ugly or an ogre by any means. Most people seem to think I don’t look much different than I did when I got pregnant (I was a size 6-8 before pregnancy and I’m now a 10). So how am I supposed to handle this? He flat out told me he doesn’t find me attractive.

Now I’m uncomfortable around him and the time we spend together is basically in awkward silence. I don’t eat, shower or change in front of him anymore. Am I supposed to take this as a “constructive motivator” or be offended? Because quite honestly, I’m offended.

Signed,

Awesome New Mom

Dear ANM,

First let me say congratulations on the birth of your new baby! Being a brand new mom to a sweet, precious, loving baby is the most beautiful thing in the world! My daughter’s infancy was definitely the most rewarding time for me in all my years of motherhood. I so envy you.

As for your predicament with the father of your blessed new child, I can just imagine how you must be feeling. It’s hard enough being a new mom and getting used to having a new body- along with it a whole new person you now find yourself overwhelmed with having to care for around the clock.

Just the thought of having an asshole like him hanging around intent on making you feel ugly (you said the word ogre for chrissake) is enough to make my blood boil. You may have trouble telling him how you feel but I sure as hell wouldn’t. I’d be more than happy to swing by your place and offer him a spot of mint tea to help him wash down my boot.

He ought to stop being such a heartless prick and cut you some slack. Sadly, a man like him isn’t going to give you any latitude. None at all.

What troubles me pumpkin is that you seem to find it permissible and excusable for him to be an outspoken imbecile about no longer being attracted to you. It deeply saddens me that you feel that you have to ask permission of yourself to even be upset about it.

What saddens me more is that you are enduring punishment from both him and yourself that you feel too ashamed to dress, bathe or EAT in front of him! That you feel you have to cower in the corner like a maimed animal in shame over something as natural and human as being a mother is nothing short of an absolute fucking crime.

What I’m going to tell you might upset you, but it’s the truth.

I can surmise 110% that this man has always indicated to you since the beginning and throughout your relationship that he is shallow. In fact, I can tell he takes great pride in his shallowness and makes no apologies for it.

I can also bet the farm that this guy is far from GQ magazine material himself- most often these guys who take on the role of the “pot calling the kettle black” with unreasonable expectations placed on a woman’s appearance usually fall far short in appearance themselves- and most everything else.

The truth is, he was never was attracted to you to begin with. At least not to the important things that will ensure a man will remain by your side regardless of a few stretch marks, 20 pounds and lactating breasts- these things being incidental to the whole you, the mother of his child. He honestly wouldn’t care the least bit about these things if he put stock in you as a whole person.

He’s being very, very cruel and your relationship is not going to last. The handwriting is on the wall and you had better start making plans to separate from him. Best advice I can give you is to start saving some money and get your affairs in order before you no longer have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out.

I’m a mother- my body isn’t perfect and I have my marks and my battle scars. And before I had children and I had the “perfect amazing body”, whatever that may be, NO man ever loved me for it. They instead treated me like a party favor and a bimbo and I was expendable then too. So either fucking way, we just can’t win can we?

It just goes to show your appearance is completely irrelevant to whether or not a man is going to remain loyal. In fact, if the measurement of his loyalty is based on ANY aspect of your appearance, the fact of the matter is, he’s not loyal at all. And he’s not in love either.

There is a lesson to be learned here – know what kind of man you’re getting yourself involved with long before you ever decide to have a baby, a marriage or decide to end up with the bastard in family court over child support and visitation. Don’t get involved with a piece of shit like that and you’ll save yourself the multitudinous heartache.

I’ve never been with a man who had a problem with me being a mother because I have more taste and selection than that. It’s easy to tell very early on before the clothes ever come off what kind of tool would have a problem with a few stretch marks and some extra pounds.

And I’ve found for every rotten apple like him floating around out there, there are 10 more who are ripe, sexy, handsome, successful and out of this world, waiting and ready to be picked. That’s right pumpkin, you get to pick. You get to choose. You’re the woman so own it and be proud. And next time be more vigilant in being selective of who you want to share a relationship with.

I promise you this man is just as replaceable as every other infantile, woman-hating, video-game playing Al Bundy incarnate out there. And that may very well be what you’re going to have to do is get to work on replacing him or at the very least, throwing him out on his ass.

Tell him how you feel. Stop being afraid to let him have it because there’s no disputing this man deserves to hear every word. You will then know for certain where your relationship is headed, although I’m sure deep down you know already.

You’re young and you’re gorgeous just by virtue of being young. I can absolutely GUARANTEE you will find another half dozen men who would love to spend time with you when you can learn to work with what you’ve got.

This guy’s nothing- he’s already proven that. It’s now up to you to decide how you’re going to unload this baggage. He’s not worth a damn and he never will be. Get out now or prepare yourself for an absolute nightmare that’s yet to come.

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