“If a man says he is not ready to date, does he mean it?”
Dear Feisty,
My ex and I have been friends for almost 9 years. We’ve had relationships with other people but remained friends. We are both single now and coincidentally, we are both facing huge life-changing experiences.
We spend time with each other and sleep together. I’m starting to want to be with him officially although he says he “isn’t ready”. I know he’s not dating anyone because of the time we spend together and he doesn’t go out and party. He tells me he loves me (almost everyday and not before/during sex) but maintains he’s not ready to start dating and wants to focus on his new life right now. He says he “wants to be ready to date me so we can last”.
Does he really mean it when he says he is not ready to be together or does it mean he doesn’t want me?
Signed,
Not Sure Where I Stand
Dear Not Sure Where I Stand,
To answer your question, “If a man says he is not ready to date, does he mean it?” I would have to say absolutely. This man isn’t lying to you, although that is what you’re secretly holding out for.
He is not ready to date, commit, play house, get married, put up a clothesline, install fixtures, buy real estate nor matching monogrammed towels.
He means just what he says. And you can insert any one of a million nuances in this sentence and if a man says it, he is telling the truth:
“I am not ready for ____________________ right now.”
But this guy sure likes to fuck you doesn’t he?
Maybe I’m putting the cart in front of the horse here, but let me see if I can break this down for you:
You want commitment, you want to “start dating” but you’re already letting him hit it?
I always thought the sex thing should happen after the dating and committing part. Why should he put in any work when he doesn’t have to? He’s getting sex, affection and devotion for absolutely nothing.
People in general these days don’t believe in holding out nor the idea of “haggling poon” but damn, fucking the guy before knowing where you stand doesn’t help speed up commitment. If anything, it grinds commitment to a halt. Especially in your predicament- when the guy is intent on exploiting this sort of “free sex no commitment” clause to the fullest.
However, I understand your confusion in that you are sleeping with him, hanging around him and listening to his bullshit. At the same time you are making excuses for him. “He’s going through hell right now, he’s not going out, he’s not seeing other women, etc.” Question is, how do you know that?
You don’t live with him, you don’t have the privilege of looking through his phone or emails (you have to be committed before a man will let you do that kind of shit) and you haven’t even thought twice about it or questioned it- you just believe every sweet little wordy word that drops out of his piehole.
How does this man deserve your blind faith when he hasn’t even offered you anything worth believing in?
How many excuses are you going to buy before you’re going to muster up the courage to face the truth?
The truth is, when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but continues sleeping with you and buttering you up with empty words it’s mancode for any or all of the following:
- He’s holding out for something better.
- He’s not interested in a relationship with you.
- He’s not in love with you.
When a man is in love with you and wants a relationship with you, he doesn’t use you, string you along, take advantage of you or act like an old rusted slow-moving garden tool trimming your bushes once a week. He gets his ass in there before someone else does!
You call him your friend but if he actually had enough respect for you like a real friend should, he would let you go and stop fucking with your mind. He wouldn’t lay you down like a one trick pony, ride you and keep you guessing as to what the hell’s going on.
He’s using you, there’s no other way to slice it.
You want a relationship with him but you are not asserting nor presenting yourself formidably by allowing him to continue to get what he wants from you- and that is a reliable source of easy convenient sex. In exchange for his “efforts” comes the bare minimum expense of delivering empty “I love yous” and stringing you along with promises of tomorrow when he knows good and damn well he doesn’t mean it.
You should be asking yourself why you should believe him when his actions, plain as day, indicate otherwise.
So what do you want to do? Keep wasting time? If you want to continue with this dog and pony charade and wait for him to “make up his mind”, you’re only prolonging and worsening the inevitable. It’s going to end, and not in the way you hoped. He is going to break your heart.
I didn’t think any man was worth this kind of trouble and heartache, but I’m convinced I must be in the minority. After all, I hear this same song and dance day in and day out.
What are you going to do about it? Because you are going to have to be the one to do something here honey, because I can tell you what he’s going to do. Absolutely nothing- except keep using you and wasting the better years of your life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it’s high time someone rained on your parade. You could use a good rinsing.
FW
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I’m in a similar situation but it’s a bit more complicated— we are friends and exes but he is studying for a huge exam (think MCATs) so he says he wants to be with me but can’t spend time dating now. I have looked at several websites of women (and men) facing the same problem. Due to the huge time commitment for test preparation (lawyers and architects go through the same) a lot of relationships get put on hold. What do you have to say to those people who are “waiting” for their significant other due to that person’s career preparation? It seems a viable response to say “I’m not ready for dating now but I still want to be with you.” In this case, would you still really think the other person is taking advantage?? After all, the free time that they do manage to have is spent with you…
Yes, I understand a lot of professionals “put their lives on hold” to study. MCAT/LSAT/State exams and what have you. I also know couples who are lawyers and doctors and decided to get married during school. I guess it depends what your priorities are.
Bottom line is, if you’re a priority, they make you a priority. If not, they tend to make excuses.
FW
dear being taken advantage of if he wants to be with you he will find the time he just doesnt want to be with you he’s just using that studying as an excuse.wake up take the blinders off as a woman all you have to do is nothing because studying exams or not if he wants to be with you he knows how to contact you.
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On 2 previous threads I describe a situation where I gave mixed sexual messages to a guy I’m dating. I refused sex and he backed off. 3 weeks later, I contacted him just to thank him for our last date. He immediately responded and wanted to see me. We’ve since had another date. He said to me that he’s not going to push me away anymore and to let him know when I am ready for sex. However, that date only lasted a few hours. Then he canceled the next date we had planned, and he didn’t make other plans to meet yet (although, I know he’ll contact me again).
Bridgett, He’s going to keep doing this because he think it will wear you down eventually. He’s going to appear and disappear hoping that one of these times you will say you are ready. A date lasting a few hours in the beginning is more than enough – you have a life to get back to, right? Any man that acts inconsistent in the first few dates is not really into it. That is when they are on thier best behavior trying to impress you. I hate to say it, but it’s over and if you stay, the hot and cold will drive you crazy. Men who blow hot and cold will blow hot when they feel you are growing distant and cold when you are getting close all because they want to keep the relationship luke warm. It will drive you crazy, he’ll never step up. Tell him to get lost.