Quick update on the Confidence package giveaway:
As many of you know, I’ve suffered a rather large setback this week losing data here on the site (hence the total revamping) and I’ve spent the last 5 days getting things back on track.
The giveaway launch will now take place on 5/28. I will be publishing the details then. Thank you for your patience! It’s been a very rough week.
Dear Feisty,
I’ve been dating this guy for a month and so far, he has been a real gentleman. We’ve hit it off really well but I have a couple of concerns.
He just got out of a relationship and has said he wants to take things slow. I don’t want to rush it either but it bothers me that even though he says things like, “I really like you a lot, I never met anyone like you, I can’t stop thinking about you, etc,” he’s still not ready to claim me as his woman.
So what am I then? I’m not feeling comfortable being in relationship limbo. Did I mention he’s also obsessed with basketball- which so happens to come on every other day 9 months out of the year? When basketball is on I rarely hear from him, and if I do everything revolves around the game.
Should I pack up my ovaries or keep giving this guy umpteen chances?
Signed,
Patience and Ovaries in Tow
Dear Patience,
I can’t say I blame you for wanting things to progress. A new relationship can be very exciting, particularly if we like the other person a great deal. Having said that, do you think he could honestly say the same about you?
Right now you seem to be fighting and losing against the tide of sweet talk, basketball games, limited attention spans and an uncertainty as to where your relationship stands.
I also have to emphasize that while you claim you “don’t want to rush” things, you are impatient and frustrated to the point of packing up your reproductive parts as he has not shown you any enthusiasm in prioritizing you as his main chick.
So which one is it? What are your true priorities? Because it sounds to me as though you’re just treading water rolling with whatever he wants in blind faith, believing it will eventually come into direct terms with what you want.
At this point, I just don’t see that happening. If you choose to keep waiting, that’s on you and “your ovaries”- two things he doesn’t seem to give two split hairs about.
Just how much have you given up already being with this guy spanning this short, month-long relationship? I can tell you. And this is just for starters:
1) You’ve given up total control. You’ve let him decide at what pace, grounds and context this relationship is to unfold.
2) You’ve given in to about 9 months worth of basketball resentment and bitterness by which doing naked cartwheels would nary suffice to keep his attention.
3) You’ve given him more wiggle room than he’s worth. Forgive me, but he doesn’t sound like much of a catch. Basketball fetish, ex-baggage and lots of empty sweet talk. It truly doesn’t get any more irresistible than that.
BUT you have to keep in mind above all else:
He just got out of a relationship. He isn’t in any position to make any sound and sincere judgments concerning any new relationship. Even yours.
In all likelihood, he doesn’t know what the hell he wants, except that he wants to watch basketball. And he doesn’t give a shit about you even being around when it comes time to do that.
You posed a very important and valid question. You asked, “So what am I then?”
Indeed, what are you? In other words, what have you resigned to allowing yourself to be?
If it’s being his girl “when he’s not too busy”, you’ve planted the seed. If it’s being “the girl he’s not really sure about”, you’re well on your way to disappointment stopping off at bullshit central before hanging a hard right into unmet expectations.
Why is it so necessary for you to hitch your wagon to this guy in particular? What has he done for you that has been just so damned amazing and spectacular that you’re thrilled and anxious to latch on tooth and nail?
Is “packing up your ovaries” doublespeak for desperation? Are you racing against the clock worried this guy might be your last and only chance? If so, you’re dating this guy, and any other guy for that matter, for all the wrong reasons.
C’mon. Is he truly and honestly the absolute best you can do?
Relationships = your priorities. And if your priorities amount to a lot more than what the other person has on their agenda, you’re guaranteed to wind up having to live with your share of the shorter end of the stick.
One last note:
Men don’t talk, they do. And if all a man ever does is talk, that’s all he’s ever going to do.
His actions and words don’t add up. Start paying closer attention to what he does and not what he says before you find yourself having to pay the piper.
Prioritize what you want irrespective of which guy is going to be there to honor it.
Hope this helps.
Melissa aka FeistyWoman
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- 25 Signals You’re Not Ready For a Relationship
Its only been a month. That’s 4 weeks. I think she needs to take it slow as well. You don’t REALLY know a person in a month. I’m a female and if I was in his position I would not make it official as yet either.
Some considerable factors to ponder are whether or not they’re sleeping together yet, how much time they’re spending together, etc. Although it doesn’t sound like much time at all since he’s too busy watching basketball.
With all due respect, I was married in a month. That was 11 years ago and we’ve been going strong since. Granted my situation is pretty rare but it is possible to know someone fairly well in 4 weeks.
4 weeks or 4 months, their priorities simply aren’t in line. They need to come to a mutual understanding. As of late, it’s working out great for him, not so much for her.
FW
Thankyou FW for taking out the time to answer and it has helped me realize some things. I definitely don’t want to be some dude’s rebound or take a backseat to his sports addiction and I’m not afraid to move on because I know I can do better. However, I am just starting out into the dating world after a divorce and I do feel that there is a lot of chemistry between us but I hold back from investing too much too soon and for good reason. You are right, men don’t talk, they do. I have told him my concerns today and he has assured me that he will do what it takes to not loose me so I will observe to see if his actions match up with what he says. If not, I have to move on.
Nya, I’m so glad all of this makes sense to you. Getting out in the dating world after divorce can be beyond tough and you have my sympathies. And the fact of the matter is some of these guys aren’t worth the effort (some women too for that matter). Time is too precious to be wasted. I’m happy that you understand the sheer importance of this.
Love,
Melissa aka FeistyWoman
Melissa,
Yours has been some of the darned best advice I’ve ever heard someone give. I certainly wish you were around in my life 25 years ago when I married a nasty drunk. Twenty five years later I am still with him and as you may ascertain, miserable, but we won’t go into my reasons for remaining, probably if I were not so disabled, just plain stupid! Thank you for being around for us, You are simply incredible! I hope this girl won’t make the mistake in keeping the basketball freak around but she should realize that one month isn’t even long enough to get to know someone. She needs to place more value upon herself and get someone who will truly love and appreciate her.