Today’s post ties into last week’s shenanigans on game-playing. You know, that necessary evil pain in the ass “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” BS we find ourselves dealing with on the reg.
It seems that people just don’t want to hear the truth- because they want to keep making excuses. They don’t want to make changes- because they want to keep repeating the same mistakes.
People have trouble swallowing the bitter pill of relationship defeat. They are losing the relationship game because they don’t even want to learn how to play it.
I’m in a class all my own and as a result, I have a limited audience. I have very few real friends and I’m not out there rubbing elbows with all the fake ass people running amok with their harebrained and misguided intentions.
It is because of these convictions that I have the relationship of my dreams. And if people have trouble relating to me and my methodologies because I do things according to my own “unrule” books and against all of their sheepish bull crap, so be it. I’m not the one spinning my wheels here.
In true game-playing, I don’t get hurt, I don’t get trashed on and I know when to cash in my chips and keep on moving. That’s how the real game is played.
And if you dare to acknowledge game-playing for what it really is, it isn’t even game playing at all. It’s called protecting your interests and allowing yourself to be respected and able to instill boundaries – all without feeling obligated, used, distrustful and foolish.
People frown on game-playing in relationships. “People should be upfront and honest. They should be treated with respect and be able to let people know what they want and expect out of the relationship from the start.”
Let me ask you something. When is the last time this has worked for you? When has giving more than you should ever given you exactly what you want? I can tell you when it has worked for me.
Because respect isn’t a given. It is earned. It takes time to earn respect and above all, it takes some conviction.
So how does game-playing work when you’re just barely getting to know someone? First things first, you can start out by asking yourself, with a generous helping of logic, how could I possibly know what this person wants from me? How could I possibly expect something from this person when the expectations surrounding dating are essentially a no-obligation trial period? That’s what dating is, is it not?
The Makings of a Communication Dodger
There are many reasons people aren’t going to be 100% upfront and honest about themselves in the beginning of a relationship. If people decided to just go with that without making too many assumptions, they could easily fare better.
I’m not and have never advocated lying, I mean keeping the line of communication to a minimum and not wide open 24-7 like many people expect. As in, he doesn’t need to know you have deep feelings for him yet, especially if you’re unsure about his feelings for you.
For example, women will proceed to ask a man questions like, “Do you want children? How do you feel about marriage?” And if the poor guy contends favorably with either one or both, they automatically assume that it’s a green light to start pursuing children and a marriage with him.
“He said he could see himself getting married and having children someday.” While that may be true, that doesn’t mean he wants to pursue those dreams with you. Stop reading so far between the lines, especially when it’s still in “try before you buy” mode.
Communication dodging comes into play when we give entirely too much.
In the following instances, men easily flip into communication dodger mode and never look back.
- The guy backs off after you ask him, “Where is this relationship going?”
- You give up the poon before he’s even taken you out on one single date and poof, he stops calling.
- You hint that you want something more serious and he abruptly weasels his way out.
And the list goes on.
People become communication dodgers when what they believe they are dealing with is much more than they feel they are obligated to.
So why not hold back a little? Why not wait a bit and see how things play out? In the early dating stages, make your aim keeping your options open instead of pushing him into your honey trap.
If you’re putting all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to run out of options.
The Lies People Want to Believe
People don’t want to believe the potential relationship they’re finding themselves in will end up going in a direction they don’t want it to go. They don’t want to believe they’re headed down the road taking a sharp right into the ditch on Rejection Blvd, so they muster up all kinds of fantastical “ifs” “ands” or “buts”.
Ego boners fit nicely into this formulaic category of denial. We convince ourselves of the lies so that we can protect our feelings from getting crushed- and to make a relationship out to be more than what it is.
- “If I give it up, he’ll fall head-over-heels in love with me and stay.”
- “He told me he wants marriage and children. That definitely means he wants them with me.”
- “He hasn’t asked me out yet but he keeps texting. This dude totally digs me.“
I hate to inform you, but if you find yourself in any of the above situations, you’re likely on the straight path to getting dissed. If either one of you has to lie, it’s because either of you don’t want to tell and/or face the truth- because in all likelihood truth is, what the other person wants has nothing to do with what you want.
It’s always going to be up to you to see the truth when it’s staring you in the face.
Your Ego Isn’t Your Best Friend
The ego is a very tragic thing. Your ego is what keeps you up at night pacing the floor, drunk-dialing and going completely whacked out of your effing mind- and it’s killing you to think what could possibly be running through theirs.
How can this person not be upfront with me? How can this person pretend to want a relationship and then suddenly, out of left field, drop me like a used up jimmy hat?
We all have an element of ego however, it’s how much of your ego you’re willing to let control you and all the decisions you make in the relationship- from the trivial to the pivotal. If you prove that you can’t handle your ego, they’re going to assume that you can’t handle a lot of things.
Which leads to the premise behind “game-playing”. Game playing has every bit to do with controlling your ego and every other consequence that arises when you allow it go unchecked.
How much power you give certain people, to judge you, to challenge you and to try and use you, is what directly affects your ego and how the other person perceives you- and ultimately the outcome of your relationship.
If you’re willing to just hand over that much power to people, how are you ever going to be able to take charge in a relationship?
A fragile ego is a sign of being unconfident, desperate need for external validation and being unable to stand with dignity against being treated like a pile.
Pull the wool over your eyes if you need to but, game-playing is a huge part of relationships- in the interest of protecting yourself. People aren’t acclimated to this idea because “game-playing” has been given a bad rap throughout history by people who don’t know how to play it.
I got tons of stuff coming up in the future on game-playing. In the meantime, I challenge you to redefine it. I have learned to redefine game-playing according to my terms and I have everything I want. Have you?
You may also like:
- A Rift in the Chain of Communication: When What We Say Actually Hurts Us
- 99 Remedies For the Relationship Impaired
- Conducting Yourself Properly – Tools to Avoid Being Called a Nag and a Bitch
- 25 Signals You’re Not Ready For a Relationship
- What Do You When He Pisses You Off?