2012: You Have to Give to Receive

I haven’t written for two months- which is to say, I haven’t written anything at all. The only explanation I can offer is that I’ve been spending a lot of time personally reflecting and contemplating on the numerous unprecedented events that are taking place around the world. Many of you need look no further than your own front windows to see that things are moving along a very different path.

Or perhaps I just noticed that things have always been precarious, so to speak, and I just haven’t paid enough attention. I’m not going to delve into that too much except to say I hope you are all well in 2012, and you are surrounded by good people and good fortune.

And I hope you take some time to remember that there are countless others out there who are at a much higher disadvantage than you are.

Just as there will always be someone who is younger, richer, more prestigious and more beautiful, there will always be someone who is poorer, hungrier, lonelier, and sicker. From where most of us are standing, there are many others who have fallen. They are homeless, sick, cold, starving, and without the basic necessities we have the luxury of taking for granted.

This is an unfortunate fact of which many people remain unaware, but ignorance can no longer a remain a costly excuse.

That’s as far as I’m going to go here.

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Admittedly, we have it pretty good if one the biggest problems we face is worrying about which among of our long line of suitors we’re going to sleep with next Friday night, and whether or not we should incorporate a bottle of Jagermeister in the hopes we won’t have to depart with too much of our own dignity, nor wind up becoming pregnant.

Last New Year’s in “Things We’re Not Going to Do in 2011“, I talked about how to get right by a man which in essence was, how to get a right man to do right by you- which actually has everything to do with you finally getting right with yourself. And hopefully by now, you did (OR didn’t- read the article and you’ll know precisely what I mean) do some of the things on the list. Like, practice heightened self-awareness and appreciation, refuse to be treated like shit, and learn to become accustomed to being your own person before being able to take ownership of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

This year, the “New Year’s Resolution” is still all-encompassing, yet it comes back to you full circle, if you know what do with it. As of late it seems our society has ever-increasingly evolved to an “I, Me, Myself” vile and selfish culture. And it’s really no coincidence that the most selfish people I’ve encountered usually feel alone, are alone and/or ultimately wind up being alone. They’re alone in their egoism, in their narrow perspective, and in being isolated from intimacy, real love and meaningful relationships because:

It’s hard to notice others in not seeing past yourself.

Since I’ve denounced and subsequently deviated from this enslaving mindset, and have opened my heart and mind to give of myself something meaningful to the people and causes I believe in, my life has since improved FULL CIRCLE.

I have wonderful, trustworthy people in my life.

I know what real love is versus undue subjection.

I’m able to set appropriate boundaries in knowing I’m in charge of my own path to happiness and fulfillment.

I’m able to decide what’s important to me as opposed to what others feel should be imposed on me, which is more often than not of any relevance nor importance.

I am my own person, fully capable of having everything I want through positive thinking.

I’m no longer afraid to reach out to people because opening myself up to them is the only way to get back something special and meaningful- by offering myself to those who really want me, deserve me and are worthy of appreciating what I have to give and vice versa.

Help someone who really needs it and wants it.

We always want to try to fix those who are broken, even in spite of needing to fix ourselves. Yet we fail to realize that some people are broken because:

a) They want it and made it that way.

b) They don’t know any other way to be.

It’s always some pitiful woman who’s trying to save some guy who drinks too much, cheats on her, and is in and out of jail. And we somehow feel as though we must kill ourselves to protect these assholes from the cruel, cold world when they aren’t doing ANYTHING in their lives to fix what they created. Much less do it for people like us- who they take for granted and couldn’t care less about because they are too preoccupied with being victims of their own self-imposed circumstances.

If someone wants to change, they’ll do it with or without you having to tell them that they should. A person has to want to change and the only time change will occur is through the acknowledgement there’s a big enough problem there to begin with.

For instance, a man who has a pattern of treating you like shit is ALWAYS going to treat you like shit, especially if he doesn’t even know he’s treating you like shit. In that case, the only person who needs saving is YOU- you’re as much of a fool as he thinks you are if you choose to stay ignorant to the fact:

You’re not helping someone who doesn’t want help, doesn’t think they need it AND never asked for it.

Some people are just too broken to fix. And if any situation hurts much more than it ever feels good or right, it’s time to pick up a traveler’s guide, some big girl drawers, a set of fucking balls and know exactly what you need to do next.

Choose with whom and how you spend your time wisely.

Each year that passes, they seem to move quicker and quicker. And you generally get to a point when you realize that time is precious, can’t be recovered and shouldn’t be wasted.

Years ago, I’d realized that the only people you can and should rely on are those who have offered you something truly special in which you both feel rewarded in having something to share together, be it a lasting friendship, a personal relationship or an unbreakable bond.

You’re not going to get that from bar hopping losers who call themselves “friends” but leave you stranded with some lowly doucher asshole. Yes, that exact same doucher asshole who isn’t going to remember your name the next day, but is dying to know what you look like on your knees with his dick in your mouth.

Get real. Are these really the type of people you want to waste your time with? You’re headed down a path with them leading directly to nowhere because they don’t respect you. And as soon as a basis of respect is lost (or was never established to begin with), the reward of true friendship, love, and loyalty is nil and always will be.

Visit your sweet old grandmother who loves to cook for you, hit the gym with your best friend of 15 years, hang out with the guy you met in Architecture 201, go bowling with him, share some nachos and a few profound thoughts and ask him to take part in a cause of which you are passionate about and are determined to make a difference.

These are the people and moments throughout your life that will be worth remembering, while all that other shit will always remain precisely what you regret ever having to remember at all.

Giving to people who have something meaningful to offer you in return is certain to reward everyone involved.

Be accountable- and avoid like the plague those who aren’t.

The “blame others” mentality is as pervasive as the sea of selfishness drowning people in apathy, loneliness and a life void of intimacy. Responsible people take responsibility for their lives and hold themselves accountable to the people who are important to them. To selfish people, they’re the only people who are important, therefore they are only accountable to themselves.

So if you’re hoping for a couple of babies, a house, a beautiful wedding and all the wonderful things that accompany being a responsible adult, you have to keep your eyes and ears open to people who are responsible enough to value and cherish the very same things YOU value and cherish.

And I’m sorry but some asshole who can’t even respond to a text message and thinks it’s funny when he’s an asshole to you in front of room full of people is far from someone you should so foolishly hope will claim any accountability to you.

Again, get real. To get what you want, you have to know exactly what you want, you have to be keen on who is going to be complicit in providing you with it and more importantly, who isn’t. And someone who refuses to be accountable to you for even the most minimal of things is never going to be held accountable to you for babies, mortgages, and wedding dates.

More importantly, don’t hold yourself accountable to anyone who can’t reciprocate, value nor treasure the time, effort and thought process involved in designating yourself accountable. If they don’t have the sense to appreciate what you’re doing for them, you should have the sense to walk away save it for someone who will.

Every minute spent should count for something positive, not be counted against you.

In 2012, we have to realize that in order to receive, we must give. We must give to those who need us but we must give to those who respect us and deserve us in their lives, who won’t go out of their way to inconvenience and trample all over ours.

Time wasted on people who don’t deserve the kindness and generosity we’ve offered them is time forever lost that could’ve been better spent making the changes you see yourself making upon the world among others who can appreciate that same vision. We get that back full circle when we know where to concentrate our efforts.

Life is hard enough in deciding who and what events deserve our full attention. In 2012, don’t waste giving on those who aren’t worthy of receiving.

You may also like:

• Let Me Show You How to Be a Woman
• Women Who Sleep Around
• The Farce of the Open Relationship
• At a Fork in the Road
• What is a Feisty Woman?