This month’s topic for the Insomniac Club is “gender bending”…
I recently wrote a scathing piece for metanotherfrog.com on the Lingerie Football League and how it marginalizes women.
Since then I’ve been very much reflective of the pervasiveness of misogyny in our society and how it’s apparent that every time women take a giant step forward, we inevitably take a few steps back. And I’ll argue we are often the cause of that ourselves.
Double standards are abound in the face of gender equality. Where men are championed (in sports), women are ridiculed. Where women are advocated (women’s rights), they are victimized. And where women want to be taken seriously (in the workplace alongside men), they are subjugated.
We are pacified and made to like and accept it as it is a reflection of how both men and women respond to us and how we conduct ourselves.
I’ve more than stressed the fact that I’m not a neo-feminist, nor am I a proponent of the current loose ideology women today tie to their own sexual liberation. I do acknowledge we should be given the latitude to make our own choices yet unfortunately, careless sexual liberty and misogyny go hand in hand, which makes our choices as women even fewer and far between. I know this from personal experience.
*****
I have nearly 10 years of medical administrative management experience behind me. I am college-educated and my knowledge and expertise in this field is extensive. Everything from coding to credentialing to accounting, to assisting with surgical procedures, I’ve nearly done it all. I consider myself well-versed, marketable and indispensable as this was my chosen career path.
I accepted a job at 29-years old with a well-respected and established local medical firm. From early on I discovered my ex-boss was a misogynistic, reproachful, flippant, scum-sucking buffoon if there ever was one and I knew it from the first moment I ever spoke to him.
Every interview, meeting or hallway encounter I ever had with him, he yawned. And he yawned some more. Each time he yawned I felt like offering to make him a pot of scalding hot coffee and dumping it over his head.
He rudely yawned during my yearly reviews in discussing giving me a raise. He rolled his eyes and cut me off in front of everybody during meetings when I’d speak, and he’d begun relegating scaling back my everyday tasks because I suddenly wasn’t “able to perform them”.
He had all the classic symptoms of being a Class A misogynist. He sighed at me, smirked, leered, gawked, dismissed, shrugged me off and ignored me. He seemed to do so more with me than the other women.
I can tell you however, I wasn’t without fault because I invited at least a small dose of this preclusion. I was 29-years old and foolishly thought skintight jeans, 4-inch stilettos and low cut tops were appropriate attire for the workplace.
During that time I was struggling identity-wise with turning 30 and I was completely consumed with maintaining my outer appearance and sexual worth. I was essentially gagged, chained and bound by my own sexual liberation. I was at the gym everyday, painstakingly did my hair, nails and makeup and was consumed with being sexy 24 hours a day, even at the office.
I’d gotten zero respect from not only him, but every single employee. From day one they’d all assumed that I was unintelligent, subservient, and that I didn’t have anything else in the world going for me but my hair and my figure (the one I was confined to starving to fit in the ridiculous clothing I had no business wearing there in the first place).
The truth is, I brought it on myself. I invited this treatment. In hindsight, I’m confident that if I had dressed with the mindset of blending in with everyone else and toned down the makeup and hair, I might have fared better. However, not much more considering my boss being the misogynist that he is. We were merely “the gals at the office”, his words more or less.
Back then, as far as “gender roles”, I found myself falling prey to societal pressure to use my sexuality as an “invaluable” asset. I bought into being sexy because I was turning 30 and I was convinced and terrified that I had only a few years left of being young and desirable.
I subconsciously believed playing up my sexuality was setting the stage for people to recognize my talents, intelligence, and capability. The only thing being “sexy” did for me was to discount it all, because for women, it is damned near impossible to be both. Men don’t have to be both and they know they too would be laughed at if they tried. So why as women, do we?
Women complain they should be able to dress like tramps if they want to, yet they expect men not to objectify them in doing so. My question is, if you truly don’t want to be objectified, why do you insist on dressing the part? We should absolutely be able to dress the way we want BUT dressing provocatively and objectification go hand in hand. One is always the purpose and the consequence of the other.
What then is the need behind dressing sexy? Aside from seeking validation and approval from others?
I’m sick of the seething hatred and loathing of women, yet we help it along by bringing it on ourselves. We beg for others to objectify us when we seek validation for being “sexy”, yet we demand equality and cry wolf when people think we’re bimbos- when we passively acknowledge we still aren’t good for anything but making sandwiches, giving blowjobs that should have accompanying bragging rights, having perfectly firm bought and paid for tits and asses, and for being thrilled that people acknowledge us for showing them off.
Men trivialize us because we trivialize ourselves. It’s bad enough they don’t want us if we’re ugly, old, fat, poor, are single mothers, have limited financial independence, can’t cook or clean or suck the rust off a tire iron. Yet, it’s worse yet when our lives are designated meaningless by us as women when we buy into these ideals ourselves.
Some women reading this may be a bit surprised and angry but, I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and play up the victim mindset and blame it all on men for being misogynists while we’re over here encouraging them to be so in not striving to be anything more formidable in their eyes or our own.
Yet ironically, men can’t live without us, especially those who are misogynistic. They witness the power we yield within us to level them with our hearts and minds and with our ability to love. And they are terrified.
They are terrified of the power we yield as women- the power we contain to make them lose all sense of themselves.
If women want to be taken seriously, we have to quit catering to and resigning ourselves to being all the things that prevent us from being so. As far as I know, petty objects, toys, plastic dolls, play things, and sexually liberated underpaid whores are exclusive to women as a gender. Men don’t have to resort to that shit, so why do we settle for it?
So how do we put the proverbial lid on misogyny? By not buying into the stigma associated with current societal beauty standards. By not sensationalizing poor role models in the rampant propaganda run amuck in the entertainment industry and media. By not having to rely on our sexuality to be used as a degradative tool and by valuing the inherently humanistic element that makes us unique as women. By relying on our intelligence, strength of character and fortitude.
P.S.
For all the misogynist losers (both men and women) who may be reading this, who may be laughing and cursing and calling me a feminist neo slag:
Be sure to kiss my fucking ass. Every unapologetic inch of it. 
More from the Insomniac Club:
Girls Like it Too by Jess Downey
What it Feels Like for a Girl by Totally Tyler
For The Love of Boobs & Lesbians by Met Another Frog
Taboo by Women Are From Mars
Why it Might be Nice to Have a Penis by My Pixie Blog
The Insomnia Club Strikes Again by Simone Grant
Gender Bender: My Day as a Woman by F*cking in Brooklyn
I used to think it was something else, but now I think it is misogyny that makes the world go round. The shit women take all over the world in every way imaginable is unbelievable. I do see hope, though. Call me naive.
Nice article!
I too am hopeful, Tom. Thanks for commenting.
FW
Hey-ya Feisty!
OK I totally see your points here BUT (and you know this is coming) I should be able to dress sexy when I want to feel sexy. When I want to be desired. Yes, being objectified may be a *part* of that – but the discussion doesn’t end there.
We limit ourselves and shame ourselves by saying “well, you can’t wear THAT, because then X Y Z” (and it’s a short hop from this to “well, you can’t blame him *entirely* for raping you when you wore THAT”). We also decide men can’t handle it when we dress all sexified. They just immediately toss out everything else they know about us because we put on stilettos.
I don’t think that’s fair for men OR women. It’s a fine line, however, and your points here are absolutely valid. I just think we should be able to dress hot (because, if you ask me, it makes me feel hot and I like that) WITHOUT being objectified, and we should be able to assume men are not all slobbery mysogynistic nitwits who can’t see past our cleavage. When we choose to show it to them.
Know what I’m sayin’? Of course – all that said, a woman should NEVER in her LIFE try to or be forced to or aspire to determining her self-worth and life course based on her ability to look hot in a pencil skirt and low-cut blouse. That she needs to dress hot to validate herself. This should NEVER be what a man uses to assess her worth. EVER.
Hi Nikki. Always a pleasure.
I’m not saying we cannot and should not wear whatever we wish. In fact, we should all be granted that right as free citizens.
However, the repercussions of wearing sexy attire are not without consequence. We can dress sexy for “ourselves” or what have you but as HP pointed out, that’s total horse crap. It’s true that I don’t need to dress provocatively to feel sexy. I wear my husband’s over-sized t-shirts and sweat pants and ironically that’s when I feel my sexiest. And to the outside world, that’s probably when I get the least amount of attention.
People are vain, they are attention whores and women who dress revealingly secretly want others to desire them. I know when I was going through my crisis at 30, that’s precisely what I wanted. Sure I wore those things for me, but I mostly did it for attention- I can freely admit that.
And as far as rape, I don’t entertain any notion that dressing provocatively invites or justifies a woman being raped. Women who are raped in Uganda, Somalia, Bangladesh and here in the US are raped wearing the equivalent of a burlap sack. But to say that we think men shouldn’t objectify us when we dress revealingly, when unfortunately the opposite is true, is delusional at best. Clearly men possess the propensity to objectify AND rape women who are fully clothed. Showing oodles of T&A in proud exhibition certainly doesn’t help.
FW
You had me at “scum-sucking baboon.”
But if we can’t dress however we want, “maybe we should just poke their eyes out.” ~Sarah Silverman
Often misquoted. Probably just now.
Sid,
We should definitely be able to dress the way we want. But we shouldn’t expect men not to look, especially in a sexual manner.
FW
Women should be able to wear what the heck they want without being objectified… however, the sad truth is that it is not the case. So yes, what you wear makes a difference. Of course there are men out there that do not judge a woman on what she wears and there will always be a-holes that will treat women with no respect or consideration no matter what. Women are very good at judging other women as well.
At my workplace we have no dress-code which is quite unusual over here. So there is quite a mix of workwear. Personally I have gone the opposite way… jeans and t-shirts it is at the moment. Why, cos I can and because I am comfortable but I definitely notice that some people seem to think I am some hillbilly redneck because I do not trip around in a suit. It is actually quite interesting how much clothes define who people treat you.
“Women should be able to wear what the heck they want without being objectified… however, the sad truth is that is not the case.”
You hit the nail on the head, Nush. This is precisely my sentiment. People absolutely judge us by what we wear despite and in spite of what we think they ought to think of us. True story.
FW
Thank you for being a woman and writing this!! This has been my opinion for a while. I understand what the other people are saying that women should be allowed to dress however they want. But I have seen with my own eyes women hanging out of their clothes (both up top and down below) will make a big fuss because they’re being gawked at while walking down the street. It is a case of what would you expect when you’re dressed like that. The argument of wanting to dress sexy for your own sake doesn’t hold true for me. Because let’s face it, who dictates what’s sexy in the fashion industry/media? Men. So really you’re dressing sexy from a man’s point of view. Someone that sees themselves as sexy can be sexy no matter what the hell they wear. If you go out to a club to dress “sexy” you’re dressing for the validation of someone and you won’t feel validated until someone calls you out on it. Now that doesn’t mean I excuse men from rape or sexual assault or anything like that. There’s a huge difference between stares and catcalls to rape.
I’m sure I’m gonna get jumped on for these opinions but I just think most women live in a fantasy world and want to have their cake and eat it too.
HP,
The women who feign being offended and are being gawked at love the attention otherwise they would altogether cease the need of trying to gain it. I am with you in calling utter bullshit on “dressing sexy for your own sake”. They do it for attention, pure and simple. I know I did and that is 98% the ONLY reason why.
FW
I feel you on a lot of the points you make here, but I also agree with NikkiB. Women should be entitled to wear whatever they like and whatever suits them and makes them feel confident and sexy. If someone equates wearing a low-cut shirt with feeling sexy, then who am I to say that she shouldn’t because it’ll give men the wrong idea?
You make some incredibly valid points though and I know that all you are saying is true. I also recognize that you’d also like to live in a world that’s a bit more progressive in thinking, but I think slowly we can start to change the rules a bit. We do make up half the population; what are we waiting for??
Great post, girl
Indeed Charlotte, what are we waiting for?? I think I’ve aroused in me a sleeping hurricane.
FW
Ok you have my attention now. I can snd do wear what I want whether its jeans and a t-shirt, sweatpants, skinny jeans and a tank top. It doesn’t matter what I wear – an asshole is an asshole and that is all there is to it really. If you’re going to be a pathetic skank it will be more than obvious by YOUR ACTIONS not necessarily what you are wearing. I may be wearing skinny jean, a tank top and heels and you may look at me thinking I am seeking validation but the minute I open my mouth you will know better in no short order. Men (or women for that matter) opinions of me are none of my business unless they make it my business. I can blow off damn hear anything but if you get in my face about it you will be backed up against a wall and corrected. Its all about attitude and how you carry yourself – carry yourself like a skank and you will be treated like one – carry yourself as a lady and you will be treated as one – if an asshole decides he/she is going to show off their dickishness – LET EM! Know who looks like JERK! ACTIONS define you – clothes do not. Be a woman/man of your word and let your actions show it! If you can’t handle it – KISS MY ASS! Its not my problem. Keep kicking it up Feisty!
You’re right, Heather. An ill-intended asshole will be one regardless of whether we’re one or not ourselves. And a hag is a hag, whether she’s dressed in Louis Vuitton or $5.00 sweats. Let us wear what we want but know and acknowledge what we hope to get out of it.
FW
No, no, no. I am smart, well-educated, and well-spoken. I’m also 50, fat, and not particularly stylish. I was just the victim of some incredibly nasty misogyny in a volunteer group. I DARED to disagree publicly with an asshole who had set himself up as saint and chief volunteer king. He proceeded to make sure I was dumped from future communication, and then accused me of being paranoid and negative when I tried to institute a better process for making decisions. (Ie. Let’s use a website based group for making decisions rather than sending e-mails to everyone and hitting ‘reply all’). As tactful and non-blaming as I tried to be, he is very good at his evil and made me look like a complaining upstart who had no purpose other than to waste time at a meeting. He actively disqualified my experience, “Name one other person who was unhappy with anything other than you,” and actively changed the subject whenever I tried to bring up instituting any kind of change that would open up the decision making process….
If it’s ok to disrespect people for dressing ‘too’ sexy, then it’s also ok to disrepect them for being too fat, or too old, or not pretty enough, or stay at home parents (the two men in the group pulled that one…”I run an office with….and I’ve never seen this work, how about you Mr. X” Morons. But it works. They intimidated most of the other women, and had one woman who was obviously a career bully and gets her power by allying with whatever man seems to have the most power.
Until we insist that the content of what people have to say is what matters and not the external package it come in, we are lost. And as some of us are willing to practice or support an abuse of power, and participate in denigrating other women we have an uphill battle.
I was hurt too by most of the women being too timid to take do much of anything. One tried to be fair and another gave me some little smiles, but basically there was silence. I feel lonely and isolated. It’s hard not to wonder how they are judging me, and it’s even harder not to doubt myself. I know it would have been scary for those women to support me, or at least help put a check on the bullies behavior…like as not they would have turned on anyone who tried to do so. I guess it was too confusing or scary, but by allowing a member to be treated this way they have helped to set the tone for what kind of thing will be tolerated.
For myself, I think I will not subject myself to any more of these meetings and just volunteer for a particular job that does not involve dealing with these people. I think, as much as I can, I’m at a point where I need to stay away from people who cannot respect me or treat me decently, and save my energy for working towards the world I hope for in ways that don’t cost me so much.
I don’t think we can expect people not to be attracted to other people, or even somewhat distracted by someone they find beautiful or sexy or strange…BUT so what??? People look different, they have accents or different styles of speech, etc., but why on earth would we buy into the idea that you can’t take someone seriously if you are turned on by them, or if you think their choice of clothing is silly, etc.? And whether or not you question someone’s decision making in terms of clothing, style, etc. why would that give a you permission to treat another human being disrespectfully?
Thank you for this thought-provoking post and the ensuing discussion!
Yes mam !!! And I thought I was the only one that puts a sweet loud kiss my ass with my opinionated on-line reply. I’m sure my Aunt cringes reading my facebook. I just had to transfer my employment to another unit 14 miles futher away due to having to work for a misogynist. Oh, & JUST LIKE YOU SAID, I knew it the moment we were introduced my first day when our eyes locked before anyones voice sound hit the air. Knew it hell? Felt it. I could feel the heat of the hate & disdane rolling off of him. I’m still very attractive for my age & have always been tiny. My Aunt [obviousally having way more info than eyes on this] said he needed to get laied. I was a total fustration for him all the way around. He was around 320-380 tall, but a round BIG near 60 year old miserably POS. The way younger than me employees, yes boss, yes boss,jump quick up yes boss people. Um…me? Not so much !! Ha. EVER. I’m 46 & asserative. I believe in accountability & he was slothful as well. I am by no means overbering. I am real & people have said I have a mouth on me-people-pusshaa….MEN. I’m from back in the day, so my excellent work ethic & Trojan ability to run full steam for hours on end was an assett to many of my past supervisiors & the ones I have now. He not like it? Hey, why you think he not like it?….RMAOLOTFL !! By the way love your place. Already made me some hand written affirmation cards from the How to be a woman & one other post. Excellent. Nice work woman.
Oh & P.S. I have WENT OFF about the culture, instant porn, scathe clothing, the new what they call it? “hook-ups ” HPV is like in 90% of the whole worlds population. Took a verbal poll at work with the girls all under 22 years. None of em knew what it was. Have 2 young male co-workers up there about a month ago playing around all night with two others their age making herpes jokes, thinking they were comics galore. Why you bet cha those 15 year olds over here in USA are mature enough to buy morning after pill. NOT !!! A big thing over here is craigslist sex ads straight man wanting man hook ups, but…shushhh……Don’t tell my wife or…..shushh….Don’t tell my girlfriend. NO people I don’t have a damn thing against same sex partners, it is the deceit & sneaky lies I have GRAVE issue with. The black communities over here are becoming decisimated by a few issues hitting em all at one time. The young boys are doing the I’m straight but meeting men in the parks, while a large part of the population from their neighborhoods are being swept up in the dragnet to feed human flesh into the prison for profit industry injust corrupt SCAM rolling along at HIGH speed !!! It’s horrid what is going on for them. All those babies, little kids, older mothers, grandmothers being left alone in those crumbling areas with a rotting infastructer. Gold hold & help em. Our government pulled some bullshit this past week on that segment of society. If ya didn’t know or haven’t heard a lot of our highly elected leaders in the state houses & D.C. are old as dirt misogynistic holier than thou white bacckass biggoted F**kes!! A lot of them are still pushing that Obama was born in Kenya Africa propaganda BS. It is apalling & embaressing, the news made me cry yesterday. Hey I am not really from America-I’m just pretending….LOL…..Shush……don’t tell nobody.