I just want to tell you first that I really like your no-nonsense approach to relationship problems. I think that is why I find myself asking you for help.
I barely got married 3 years ago and in that short time span I’ve watched my wife balloon up by at least 30 pounds. Seems like its 10 pounds for each year we’ve been together so far. I hate to think that she will keep gaining at this same rate. 2 years from now I’ll be looking at 50 pounds and I know it won’t be pretty.
I hate to say it but I’m so turned off. She eats all day long (she stays home with our kids) and I get disgusted because she doesn’t dress up anymore and we have to go and buy bigger clothes (that look bad) because nothing fits her. I don’t want to have to keep forking out money every time she goes up a dress size.
I haven’t really said anything yet because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. You can’t just tell your wife she’s fat and not suffer in some way (punishment). I know she wouldn’t take it very well. But at the same time, I can’t live like this. I don’t want this fat wife, I want the hot wife I married.
Thank you for writing in. I appreciate you seeking me out for advice.
Let me just say that her (your) “problem” isn’t at all uncommon however, that doesn’t make it any less of a problem. The truth is, she does have a problem.
Whether it’s you, whether it’s food addiction, whether she has no help with the kids nor any personal time for herself, whether it is psychological, or whether it’s some issue deeply embedded in her psyche that she fears losing you because she knows you think she’s fat. Trust me, if you’re this emphatic and frank about it in the way you’re discussing it with me, she already knows- whether it’s unintentional insults, glaring looks, or lousy sex.
People behave in ways that are often manifestations of how they feel about themselves, and people who generally feel good about themselves, take care of themselves. Maybe you should try helping her get to the bottom of what may be bothering her of which her weight may be a secondary result. Her weight may be the symptom of some underlying cause, while her “being fat” seems to be your only cause for one really nasty complaint.
Or maybe you’re just a big time jerk like the guy in the picture above whose an alcoholic and she can’t effing stand it, so she turns to food to avoid having to deal with you.
Either way, you’re not being a very understanding and benevolent husband. What would happen if she were to get an ill-fated disease or somehow become disfigured? That could surely change the way she looks. What would you do then? Instead of being sincerely concerned about her health and well-being, I suspect you’d be more concerned with her appearance.
If you don’t want to help her because you love her and because she probably needs you to, then maybe she’s better off without you. Just imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you’re the one who gained weight- do you think she would still love you or be essentially unsupportive and “disgusted”? More importantly, how would that make you feel?
Ask her without undue offensiveness if there is something on her mind that’s been bothering her lately- something she wants to talk about. Tell her you’re concerned about her seeming lack of concern for herself and leave it open to discussion.
It’s not about her weight, it’s about her being the woman I hope you truly love- the same woman you married. And most of all, maybe you might see about giving her a little bit of a break.
A good husband wants to know what’s going on with his wife because he is concerned and because he loves and cares about her and she is important to him, not because he wants to prevent her from “getting fat” for the sake and utter shittiness of keeping up on outward appearances. Appearances change over time and trust me, yours will too.
Good luck to you,