Dear Feisty,
I just want to tell you first that I really like your no-nonsense approach to relationship problems. I think that is why I find myself asking you for help.
I barely got married 3 years ago and in that short time span I’ve watched my wife balloon up by at least 30 pounds. Seems like its 10 pounds for each year we’ve been together so far. I hate to think that she will keep gaining at this same rate. 2 years from now I’ll be looking at 50 pounds and I know it won’t be pretty.
I hate to say it but I’m so turned off. She eats all day long (she stays home with our kids) and I get disgusted because she doesn’t dress up anymore and we have to go and buy bigger clothes (that look bad) because nothing fits her. I don’t want to have to keep forking out money every time she goes up a dress size.
I haven’t really said anything yet because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. You can’t just tell your wife she’s fat and not suffer in some way (punishment). I know she wouldn’t take it very well. But at the same time, I can’t live like this. I don’t want this fat wife, I want the hot wife I married.
Sincerely,
Dave
Dayton, NJ
Dear Dave,
Thank you for writing in. I appreciate you seeking me out for advice.
Let me just say that her (your) “problem” isn’t at all uncommon however, that doesn’t make it any less of a problem. The truth is, she does have a problem.
Whether it’s you, whether it’s food addiction, whether she has no help with the kids nor any personal time for herself, whether it is psychological, or whether it’s some issue deeply embedded in her psyche that she fears losing you because she knows you think she’s fat. Trust me, if you’re this emphatic and frank about it in the way you’re discussing it with me, she already knows- whether it’s unintentional insults, glaring looks, or lousy sex.
People behave in ways that are often manifestations of how they feel about themselves, and people who generally feel good about themselves, take care of themselves. Maybe you should try helping her get to the bottom of what may be bothering her of which her weight may be a secondary result. Her weight may be the symptom of some underlying cause, while her “being fat” seems to be your only cause for one really nasty complaint.
Or maybe you’re just a big time jerk like the guy in the picture above whose an alcoholic and she can’t effing stand it, so she turns to food to avoid having to deal with you.
Either way, you’re not being a very understanding and benevolent husband. What would happen if she were to get an ill-fated disease or somehow become disfigured? That could surely change the way she looks. What would you do then? Instead of being sincerely concerned about her health and well-being, I suspect you’d be more concerned with her appearance.
If you don’t want to help her because you love her and because she probably needs you to, then maybe she’s better off without you. Just imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you’re the one who gained weight- do you think she would still love you or be essentially unsupportive and “disgusted”? More importantly, how would that make you feel?
Ask her without undue offensiveness if there is something on her mind that’s been bothering her lately- something she wants to talk about. Tell her you’re concerned about her seeming lack of concern for herself and leave it open to discussion.
It’s not about her weight, it’s about her being the woman I hope you truly love- the same woman you married. And most of all, maybe you might see about giving her a little bit of a break.
A good husband wants to know what’s going on with his wife because he is concerned and because he loves and cares about her and she is important to him, not because he wants to prevent her from “getting fat” for the sake and utter shittiness of keeping up on outward appearances. Appearances change over time and trust me, yours will too.
Good luck to you,
FW
I notice he said “kids” with an S in three years, so that’s he almost be pregnant the entire marriage so far. I understand the problem. But instead of being a lazy husband he should find a babysitter and go on walks and workout with her. Instead of requesting steak for dinner maybe ask for healthier alternatives. It’s easy to point the finger. Especially when your not the one sacrificing your body so you can have offspring.
He needs to encourage and nurture, it isn’t about coming home from work and eating dinner and watch TV, some effort need to be put on both sides. Your her trusted companion, she trusts you to help her, DO IT!
You’re definitely right about that Buddahkitty. Some of these guys just don’t understand the strain of bearing children and the havoc it can wreak on a woman’s body. I would also argue these are the type of men who probably shouldn’t get their wives pregnant- for a variety of reasons.
Whoever says that pregnant women just inevitably get fat hasn’t been to my neighborhood. Women could start by not eating for two. A fetus needs 100-300 calories, according to WebMD. None of those calories are going to turn into permanent weight gain.
Really, this man needs to hire a babysitter so his wife can get some exercise. Have any of you heard of jogging strollers. I (a guy) have two. Again, come to my neighborhood and have a look around.
It’s not just about weight. It’s about respect for her partner. If (when?) she divorces him, she’ll hit the gym in no time. Why don’t more women hit the gym for the guy they’re already with? Probably because (just my guess) weight gain is a passive aggressive way of denying them sex and intimacy.
Exactly, she takes the relationship for granted. Also breast feeding leeches enough fat out of a woman’s body to easily bring her back to her previous weight if she sticks to it for the recommended 6 months. Maybe 2-3 pounds more for the increased breast and hip size post pregnancy but there shouldn’t be 30 pounds by any means.
Oh how wrong you are. My wife and I have been married 23 years and I have been unhappy 75 percent of those years – because of her weight gain. We had one child after 4 years of being married and she never lost the weight. This was also the reason that we did not have another child. She attributes her weight gain to being addicted to food. The funny thing is she was not addicted to food when we got married and she also did’nt weigh 200lbs. We have sat down countless times to discuss the issue with the last one resulting in an ultimatum (from her not me). I am now very much unattracted to her physically but I still love the person under all that fat. Oh in case you are wondering, I work out 5-6 days a week and still wear the same size pants as I did when we married. Oh and I have also been ridiculously supportive through the years by providing every opportunity toward improving her health and nutrition to include cooking, cleaning, health club fees, equipment, offering to food shop, etc. Oh and in case any of you are further wondering why I have stuck it out – it was because of my Son who is now 18. My sister says that I deserve to finally be happy and that I should end it. I don’t want to but I am coming to the realization that she may be right. I am not a bad person, I just don’t want to be married to a fatty; I never did and my wife knew this before we were married.
No one was forcing you to stay. You should’ve took a hike if it was that terrible to have to live down. No one put a gun to your head.
At the same rate, she didn’t have to be so lazy and disrespectful (provided she doesn’t have any health problems) to both you and herself in letting herself go. It’s our duty to care of ourselves and our bodies and people who feel good about themselves usually take great pride in taking care of themselves. As her husband it should be your job to help her figure out why she’s feeling bad, alas instead you’re more content to come here and complain about it.
I can bet you don’t call her a fatty to her face. She’d probably kick your ass up so far you’d look like a hunchback.
FW
In these situations, I always wonder how long the people were together before they got married. Usually (though not always) not long enough to see any physical changes in their partner. And usually not long enough to really fall in love with their partner.
Physical changes are inevitable. But when you’re young (and by the sound of it, this guy is erring a bit on the younger side) people stay “intact” for a while, so to speak. But having kids, 9 times out of 10, changes a woman’s appearance.
Irrespective of how long they were together, when you marry someone I’d like to think that appearances are the most trivial thing to come out of the whole deal. I guess I may be living in a pipe dream.
Sometimes I am so embarrassed to be a real man that it makes me sick. Dave, you are a loser- that simple.
There is no hope for you if you don’t have the balls to help your wife solve whatever problem is damaging her self-esteem. Every day you fear love, she goes deeper into the darkness of self-doubt. Every day you fret over not having the ‘hot’ wife you once had, your life becomes miserably shallower.
Of course she will lash out if you tell her she’s fat. You need to suck it up, get to the root of the problem and sit beside her through the darkness. You need to show her how much you love her by proving she can trust you.
But, I personally don’t think you have the junk to do it.
What ^^he^^ said. Because truthfully I couldn’t have said it any better.
Ditto on all above. Her gaining weight is a symptom of a much larger issue. Have to ask Dave does she cut your steak. Yes having kids changes your body especially your breasts if you breast feed. What he is not realizing that there is so much pressure put on women today to be the hottie. Marilyn Monroe would be considered “fat” by todays standard which used to be a 7, then a 4 and now a 2. Please thats not even healthy especially when you are 5’7″. Physical appearance has nothing to do with being “hot”. Its all about attitude and confidence which I assume she has very little especially with the underlying “disgust” which I am SURE she can feel. I know a 250lb woman who is killer!!! She’s a big girl but DAMN she’s got it going on.
I certainly can relate to the weight issue – mine drops in that type of a situation. I simply can’t eat and at 5’4″ and 95 lbs it looks sick especially when you can count the ribs from behind. So super skinny or fat – it all has to do with how you view yourself AND how the one you love views you. Dave – you aren’t helping her dude.
Pressure is right, Heather. But as you said, confidence makes the woman, not her size.
Dave, your wife sounds unhappy. Her self esteem is probably spiraling and she’s probably bored being home with the kids. Be supportive. She feels your thoughts. You don’t even have to say it. If you want to have years of marital bliss, my suggestion is focusing on yourself by striving to grow as a person. Counseling might be an option for the two of you also. My guess is that communication between the two of you is suffering and her eating is a comfort to her. Don’t give up on her if your marriage is truly something you value.
You’re right, there’s no doubt she already knows. She can feel it- so can we.
He should set a standard. Instead of just focusing on losing attraction to his wife he should focus on raising a healthy family overall. Plus three kids stacks up weight pretty fast. Raise a healthy family – physically and mentally – and as a side effect you will have a lighter wife. Being dick focused is being too self centered.
Hey Walls! Long time…
Indeed, he should set a standard- in being a lot more accepting.
Why not just tell her she’s fat and you find it physically disgusting? The problem is not with you or anyone’s emotions. The problem is she eats too much and doesn’t exercise enough. I tell this to my girlfriend if she gets fat and doesn’t get upset – she fixes the problem. Actually her mother would tell her before I would. You have a child-like culture.
Klaus from Germany
Well Klaus… the “child-like culture” as you call it, does exist in Germany and the rest of Western Europe as well. Telling someone that you are physically disgusted by their appearance is not a basis of a loving supportive relationship. I am very sure his wife is very aware of how she looks and how he feels about it. By telling her she is fat and that he is disgusted that will just undermine any confidence that she might have and turn the whole unhealthy issue even worse. In regards to your girlfriend… well maybe she is “fine” with being told that she is fat by you or her mum. I highly doubt it though. There are a million other ways to help someone being healthy and fit without calling names. I wonder… does she call you fat when you get out of shape?
Actually, in Germany being honest is the basis of a loving and supportive relationship, even when that means putting a lot of pressure on your partner. It’s better than letting your partner turn into a giant slug that dies of a heart attack at age 40. Telling your child or sibling or wife that he/she is getting disgustingly fat is mandatory, like honking at a driver who has fallen asleep at the wheel and is about to drive off a cliff. Americans are very touchy about their feelings, to the point where it is more polite to allow someone you love to become something they themselves detest and may die from. That is not loving. That is just stupid. Nobody said anything about calling anyone names. And you can’t help somebody to lose weight if they don’t think they should.
The problem is YOU Klaus – you ass. If and that is a stretch – IF you even have emotions which is exceeding doubtful you would know you should NEVER tell a woman she is fat or anybody else for that matter unless you really want to get told where to go and how to get there. I’d bitchslap you across the room and drop kick your sorry ass into the middle of next week – lucky to know your name when and/or if you wake up. Don’t like it – then FUCK OFF – not you or anyone else is gonna tell me I’m fat and disgusting without an ass kicking. Remember the bigger they are – the harder they fall and I’d slam you harder than a WWF wrestler off the high rope. I am surprised you even HAVE a girlfriend that’s not inflatable!!! I am sure you are no prize either – THAT is obvious – believe people when they tell you who they are and from YOUR comments it is very clear to see that you are a COMPLETE INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE and that makes you UGLY from the inside out. Maybe you ought to try some yoga so you can get flexible enough to BLOW YOURSELF – I can’t see where anyone else would even want too. It only goes to show you are thinking (also a stretch) with your little head – and I do mean little NEEDLE DEE BUG FUCKER – look down I’m sure you know what I am talking about. By the way – just to let you know – your dick does shrink as you get older – just like your mind – see the comparision – small mind small dick since you have shown through your small thinking the process has already started and before long will be non-existent. As for her mother… speak for yourself. I am a mother and I would NEVER say anything like that to my children EVER!!!!! A mother who would also deserves to be bitchslapped. Maybe you too should face off in a corner and smack some sense into each other. What your “girlfriend” needs is to tell you to kiss her ass – if fact that is exactly what you SHOULD be doing – you should be grateful that ANY woman would even want to be with a shallow self serving backassward thinking pigfuck like you. Better yet she should just kick you to the curb with the rest of the trash and find what she really deserves – A REAL MAN! NOT A MANCHILD! Now who is being childish you selfish bastard! Judge less ye be judged. Harsh truth – swallow it!
That’s a lot of ad hominem, wow. Also, Klaus is speaking from a different culture, where finding ways to be butthurt because someone speaks the truth is not a national sport. In Germany, your wife would say the same to you. That is how it is here. It is no different than scolding your husband for drinking too much alcohol. Both kill. Only in America you are so obsessed with being PC that even your sex life, marriage, your kids, and your partners survival take a back seat to the passing twinge of shame or unhappiness of being told the hard truth. Your priorities are messed up.
Then Klaus should stick to German boards if a “different culture” is to blame for his shallow comments. No excuse! It’s not being PC, you’re being PC with your excuses for him acting like a jerk. You’re telling Movedup that their priorities are messed up?? Since when does real love & intimacy, human decency & kindness & respect & compassion show someone’s priorities as being messed up. Sheesh–where is common sense & decency these days?
Hahaha!! Loved it! And that pig deserved it!
I think there are a lot of sub-issues within this one ‘my wife is fat’ issue.
North America has an obesity problem. Our children are fatter and more out of shape than previous generations. Our average size and weight has gone up alarmingly. Diabetes, stroke, heart attacks kill more and more people every year. I don’t have the facts to back this up, but we all know that this is true, right?
Families are more isolated. It’s not as common to live near the grandparents and extended family who can help with child-rearing. We don’t know our neighbours the same as previous generations.
Our economy is crap. The cost of living is high and people have been brought up to live beyond their means. Buy everything on credit. When people are struggling financially, it is more difficult to afford to eat healthy. Cheap, fast food is the staple for people living in or near poverty.
Being an isolated stay at home mom who may be pinching her pennies, can be very stressful. There may be post-partum depression. Food may be one of few comforts.
She may have an undiagnosed medical problem. She may have hypothyroidism which slows metabolism, causes depression, fatigue and other symptoms.
It is easy for her husband and for Klaus to judge her, but it is wrong as they have not ‘walked a mile in her moccasins’. Who is to say that if they had her exact experience, that they would not make the same choices or have the same struggles?
We need more empathy and less condemnation.
This woman and ALL PEOPLE in the same boat need support and encouragement.
She DOES need to get her health under-control. That is obvious. She is a mother and should strive to live a healthy life so that she can be around for her kids. Her health should be a priority, but she needs loving help in order to get there.
You have that right ON Angelina! Anyone who can’t see the clearly obvious has their head up their ass and may need assistance in pulling it out – no problem there. Everyone needs support and encouragement whatever the challenge that is facing them – be excellent to each other!
The Beattles said it – “Love is all we need”
Whether you airheads know it or not, appearances WILL come into play when you love somebody (even if a little). And from the sounds of it his wife is becoming INCREASINGLY HUGE AND UNHEALTHY. If I were him I would just be blunt about it and ask her why are you eating so much, and what can I do to help, because frankly you’re becoming very large, unhealthy, and unbecoming. I don’t know about you but I do not want a woman that will die of a heart attack in her fucking thirties, and be so fucking overweight that I can’t look at her without some disgust (400 pounds).
Instead of pouncing on the guy and demanding him to change for YOU, maybe you should try to give some actual advice? (people in the comments)
30 lbs after having kids?? Big deal! I can’t believe the crap I’m reading on here from the shallow pigs. I think she’s miserable being married to him is all. I can see why.
Whoa “the Truth” who said anything about 400 pounds – he stated 30 pounds. Hello – if he was happy with her weigh when he married her and only 30 pounds extra turns him off. By the way 30 pounds above average weigh IS NOT HUGE! For your information perfect shape runners die of heart attacks too! Being blunt gets you nowhere fast and puts the other on defense fast only contributing to the problem. Be a part of the solution not the problem. The advice collectively was that he needed to look farther than the end of his nose and gain some perspective – there are very real health problems that cause weight gain not just watching soap operas all day. I resent being called an airhead – far from it. Seems that you can’t see past your nose either or read. Appearances are nothing but that appearance and not everything is how it appears either. A check up with a good doctor would be a start to find out what is really going on. Maybe if he and/or you could pull your head out of your superficial ass you might suggest her making an appointment and offering to go with in support. It can be scary to face alone especially with the very real possibility of bad news. Been there done that for a now EX. He got HUGE – obese – that was the diagnosis – did I turn my back and bitch NO I learned every diet, went to all doctors appointments with specialist and did everything I could to support him. In the end he gave up and after awhile so did I but not after a good fight – only thing left was a very dangerous surgery he chose not to do. I still hung in there – hoping but in the end he left me. He could not live with himself, became very unhappy and just left one day never to return. So…. Appearances are nothing when you are committed to the one you love… how would it be if she was disfigured in a fire or something – how would THAT change your point of view???? I love my husband inside and out and nothing will change that.
Not his looks or his age or his weight because I love his heart, mind and soul.
My wife is so fat she has a six roll not a six pack!
^^^ Shakes head at ^^^
Ok I understand where you all beat on him, I dont necessarily agree but understand. My wife has become lazy and has gone from about 130 lbs to just over 200 and I have been supportive of her we have been together for about 10 years and now she will only make dinner maybe once a month hardly ever does laundry just sits on the sofa with her iphone or laptop. I have go to the point that she actually turns me off to look at her and I hate myself for it. We have been to marriage counselors and she has been on every diet imaginable but if it requires work she always gives up. I am an active person in good shape and I am the care giver for our children I get them up in the mornings and get them ready for school, make sure they finish their homework and typically make dinner and get them in bed. So am I a jerk because I am turned off by the fact that my wife has gained 70 or so lbs and won’t do anything??? I guess so and like I said I hate that about me… Oh and for those asking when we first got together she was the one who did most everything but I worked 60 hours a week and she didn’t have a job, now she works 30 hours a week and I am full time. So is that fair to me?? My wife made dinner last night and my kids were actually impressed that she was up off the couch without being asked (their words not mine) they are 13,15,7. I am not far from leaving her but just can’t bring my self to taking the kids from her…
She can feel it- so can we. I guess so and like I said I hate that about me… Oh and for those asking when we first got together she was the one who did most everything but I worked 60 hours a week and she didn’t have a job, now she works 30 hours a week and I am full time.
Is this some feminist opera site? SHE is getting fat, and HE is the problem? How exactly does that work out? How on earth do you guys dare to blame all of this on him? Why can you not understand that a wife getting very fat, in fact, is a problem?
I dont find fat women attractive, and I really dont find it a problem to think so.
The guy may have a point. My wife was on the plump side when we met, 140 pounds at 5’3″. The first year we were together, she put on another 10-15 pounds. I encouraged her to lose some weight and she got down to 120 by the time we got married. Unfortunately, after the wedding, she quickly gained all that weight back and continued to gain 15-20 pounds per year. During the first three years, she would periodically go on a diet for a few weeks, but would be cranky and miserable and would end up binge eating and gaining even more weight. She hasn’t been on a diet since then and now weighs about 300 pounds.
I continue to love her. She has a beautiful face but her body has ballooned beyond recognition. She gets out of breath climbing a flight of stairs and I have to tie her shoes because she can’t reach her feet. I feel like if i had been tougher on her after she gained back the weight she lost, maybe she wouldn’t be in the shape she is now.
So did you not write enogh compare and contrast papers in high school or something? the situation you describe is vastly different than our fat hating friend Dave. Dave is talking bout 30 extra pounds that might partially be explained by multiple kids in a small period of time. Your wife is so big she can’t tie her own shoes. This very very different.
I understand that, Co. What I was trying to point out is that if I had drawn the line earlier (maybe not at 30 pounds extra but maybe when she was approaching weighing 200 pounds), she would not be so big now. She’s actually probably over 300 pounds because the last time she was weighed, she weighed 292 and that was two years ago and she’s fatter now. Her Body Mass Index puts her in the “super obese” category and, at age 35, she’s only getting bigger. She seems addicted to eating and has gotten so obese that I think she has given up on ever losing weight and is too heavy to do any real exercise. Maybe some tough love when she was just moderately overweight would have led to a different outcome?
I understand his problem. Also, I agree with Dan. I love my fiance very much. She is gaining weight though. She has always been a little over weight (which wasn’t that big of a problem seeing as how I left a smaller girl with a really nice body for my fiance). However, just because I love her a lot doesn’t mean that I’m just going to accept the fact that she’s gaining weight. She does work out, and likes to think she’s healthy, but after she eats healthy food she will eat snacks. Also, ever when she eats healthy food she just eats too much in quantity. I have decided to do “preventative maintenance” and tell her that she is sexy now, but I feel that her metabolism might get slower as we get older and that I think she’ll start gaining weight. She has started to work out more now and not eat as much. Honestly, I’m doing her a favor. No one wants to be unattractive, and so she would be much happier if she did not become really fat as she got older. She knows that she has my support in this and that makes all the difference.
I just want to say thanks for handling this post so well. You see, I am “that” woman. I have gained so much over the last two years and you are right, it has much to do with my dissatisfaction in my relationship, family, etc. Those aren’t excuses but the reality of how I handled some really sucky years. Instead of judging, you asked him to help her get to the root of the problem. That’s what it is the real issue here– the weight is often indicative of something else much deeper, and far more complicated.
It’s true Betty, weight gain is very often attributed to stress. I should know, I gained a few pounds on the job a few years ago because of it.
As you can see from the above comments and the guy who wrote in for advice, people are cruel jackasses. They have no heart- which is a very sad and shameful thing. Makes me sick.
FW
what the heck is wrong with you people!!!
the woman is fat because she eats too much food hello.. It is not his fault. It is hers. She don’t care about herself, her marriage , her health. Some women are just like that… get the guy and get fat and cut the hair. Pshycology my ass, I can’t stand fat chicks never have never will. It’s gross to see and feel. My girl just put on 40 lbs. I ‘m outta here!
Dump her now
You’re a model citizen. I’m glad I’m not the one having to share a bed with you.
FW
Dear whatha…
I hope you get fat.
So fat that there will be no clothes that fit you at your favorite shops and you’ll have to buy unflattering “plus size” tents to hide your flab.
I hope you see yourself when you’re sweating like a pig, red in the face and everyone looking at you in the gym when you try to lose weight because you’re the biggest person there. I hope your fat is so much that even walking makes you short of breath, so exercise really is not as easy for you as a thin person. I hope you’ll only see yourself as the thin person you used to be and when you look in the mirror you’ll see what makes people disgusted by you and makes you feel worse and give up trying to lose weight.
I know three other couples that have the same issue where the husbands stayed in shape and the women ate and partied and just balooned up. When you gain 30 plus pounds the reason is that you chose to gain the weight. Obesity does not happen overnight, its a choice.
These women did not stop caring about their appearance. Look how many fat women get pedicures, manicures and put on makeup. They also spend lots of time and money shopping for clothes to cover up their bodies. Which means THAT THEY DO CARE. They are simply being lazy, in most cases. The women I know that have gained that much weight have more time to exercise than the husbands they are standing next to that DO workout.
When you want something bad enough, you find a way. When you don’t, you find an excuse.
I’m a very forward, almost feminist, woman yet I can’t find the logic in the posts of some women here. It isn’t okay to physically transform into someone who does not resemble the person your spouse married. We aren’t talking about natural aging here. We aren’t talking about disease or tragic accidents. We are talking about a choice to systematically put on weight and do nothing to rectify the situation. Maybe it is depression, pregnancy weight, or lifestyle change but this woman should at least appear to be making attempts to do something about it. It’s disrespectful to her and to her partner. He not only needs to look at her and be intimate with her (and ONLY her according to vows) but he will also need to be her caretaker if/when her terrible habits and natural aging process result in a barrage of health problems. Not fair!