As of late, there have been growing incidences of children sending provocative pictures to each other over the technological airwaves.
Seems that with current technology, and the lack of needed governance to standardize that technology, there are no rules in place and there is no real “consequence” when those rules are broken- except that our children’s lives are ultimately shattered and their innocence is forever broken.
I stick out like a sore thumb in the Insomniac Club because I am the only parent among the group. I am the mother of a 12-year old girl and the very real possibility that this or ANY sexual encounter for that matter could affect her is something I worry about everyday.
Ironically, one of the members of the group recently said, “If I had a 12-year old, I’d take her cell phone away and tell her to go play outside.” I have done precisely that, not because of the threat of sexting but because her grades really stink, thus she doesn’t deserve to have a cell phone.
I’m a reasonable person and I’m a reasonable parent. And I make sure I take damned good care of my child.
However, nowadays sexting is getting all the attention of the media. But why? Why is it such a “problem”?
You’re probably not going to regale in the fact that I’m going to tell you that when I was a child, I went through many of the things that face our youth of today.
Except when I was child, things were FAR WORSE for us than what I see my daughter confounded with.
I wasn’t exactly a saint and neither were any of my peers, and everything my child contemplates, schemes and thinks she’s going to get over on me, I’ve already seen or done. And I constantly remain 110 steps ahead of her because of it.
To give you an idea of what I faced as a teen:
- When I was in 7th grade, one of my peers had an infant child at 11 years old and had another 2 years later at 13.
- That same year I learned one of my best friends had an abortion when she was just 12.
- In 8th grade, two of my close friends were having all out threesomes with the same boy, one of whom ended up having to have an abortion.
- At 15, one of my closest grade school friends was addicted to methamphetamine, and used to carry around a needle, a spoon and syringes in her purse. It was surreal to sit and watch her slam it while we sat on her bedroom floor.
- That same year, I was put in a secondary school for troubled teens where next door, a sister secondary school was in place for teen moms. There was a constant parade of 13-17 year old pregnant girls cycling through the place.
- A former close friend at 15 had gotten pregnant and her mother made her have an abortion when she was near 6 months gestation (she was hiding it from her as long as she could and her mom found out when she started to show).
- That very same friend and I landed in juvenile hall out of state where we’d met dozens of girls who were SEASONED prostitutes living on the streets since the ages of 10 and 11.
- When I was 16, the city I grew up in had the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the United States.
- By the time I was 17, nearly ALL the girls I went to high school with by that time had children. I was among only a few who didn’t.
However, I wasn’t without my vices. I ran away and eventually did so for weeks at a stretch. I was in and out of juvenile hall and youth centers, I did drugs, drank, and got into cars with men I didn’t know (luckily by the grace of God I was never harmed).
I cut school, I hung out with jailed losers, I ended up in group homes in different states, met dozens of lowly people and yes, I had sex. And I was lucky that I didn’t end up like so many other girls I knew personally whose lives were changed for worse, forever.
Why was I getting into so much trouble all the time? BECAUSE I HAD PARENTS WHO DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. Pure and simple.
I was neglected, ignored, verbally abused and ultimately forgotten. I was alone, scared to death and in need of guidance- GUIDANCE EVERY CHILD NEEDS AND CANNOT THRIVE WITHOUT.
When we care about our kids, when we love them and nurture them and they aren’t in desperate need of attention, they don’t resort to franticism and outright mayhem in order to be noticed.
Whether it’s sexting or getting knocked up.
When I look at my daughter, and I tell her the things I saw, did, and ultimately lived to regret, she looks at me in shock and disbelief. She can’t fathom the fact that I was among peers her age who brought guns to school and accidentally shot themselves, who were members of criminally notorious generational gangs in Los Angeles who dealt drugs, and that I had very good friends her age who already had a couple of children.
I look at my daughter and I can say that I am very proud. She is a girl, doing all the things that girls her age should be doing.
She’s curious about boys, she loves school, she plays basketball, and loves pepperoni pizza. She’s excited about wearing her first bikini, she has a love/hate relationship with Justin Beiber and she adores frozen yogurt and Guitar Hero.
I partake feverishly in all the things that are important to her, and I spend more time with her than she would like but, I PAY CLOSE ATTENTION. I know what she’s doing at all times and because of that, she is safe. I’m a parent and that’s my job. And if she fails, IT’S BECAUSE I’VE FAILED HER. And it’ll be over my dead body that as long as I live I should ever fail her as a parent because I owe her my effing life- THAT’S WHAT A GOOD PARENT GIVES HER CHILD.
Everybody wants to blame and demonize the kids, WHEN THE PARENTS ARE ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN AND EVERYTHING THEY DO.
Every teenage generational gap is perplexed with complex social problems and grave injustices, and our youth is no exception. And I don’t take the sexting phenomenon lightly.
However, this song by 2Pac “Brenda’s Baby” exemplifies what plagued my generation. Where was the media then?
More from The Insomniac Club:
Don’t Talk to Her She’s a Slut by Simone Grant
The Consensus of Flies by Jack from Brooklyn
Enough With the Slut-Shaming Already by MetAnotherFrog
Sexting, Sexting, 1, 2, 3… by Totally Tyler
The Tale of the 13 Year-Old Slut by Confronting Love
Sexting and the Mean Girl v.2.o by Jess Downey
When Teenagers and Sexual Curiosity Collide with Technology by Miss Melissa Mae
Unremarkably, Unregrettably Unknown by How Very Lucky to be a Girl
Thanks for sharing your experiences. It’s a testament to your strength that you were able to process it all and turn it around in the way you raise your daughter. You hit the nail on the head, as parents we have to pay attention!
Thanks Adriene! I faced overwhelming adversity and for that I am very grateful- that I’m here to raise my daughter, of whom I love more than life itself.
“…and if she fails, it’s because I have failed her..”
BINGO!
I could riff forever about this topic; touching on a cornucopia of rants involving Roadrunner cartoons, Judas Priest, lead paint, Rock n’ Roll, Catcher In the Rye, Blue Oyster Cult, the one bad girl in town, blah-blah-blah…
But I won’t.
I’ll try to keep it curt (most likely I won’t succeed), but parents who raise, strike that—LOVE—their children correctly teach their children values that kick in when limit switches are tripped. And those switches get tripped more times than not when no parent is looking.
Here’s yet another way we get our bowels in an uproar because of labels. The human physiology is completely ignorant of the terms infant, toddler, pre-teen, teen, young adult, adult, middle aged adult, mature adult and old fuck. All our body knows about is food, defense, and fucking for propagation.
Parents who point their fingers at things like sexting as the devil’s candy are lazy and irresponsible- not to mention ignorant. If we instill on small trait in our children, the ability to make smart choices based on consequences, then we can be proud of a job well done. If we fail to do that- then we end up pointing fingers and displacing blame.
Proud of you Melissa. Proud to know you. Our childhoods may have been eons apart- but our values are hand in hand.
“Parents who point their fingers at things like sexting as the devil’s candy are lazy and irresponsible- not to mention ignorant.”
Right fucking on Alex. There’s no way I can outdo you on this sentiment.
Kids have been getting pregnant, fucking around, and getting in trouble long before sexting, pocket computers and “idk, lol, wtf” were ever an issue. And they’ve always been the ones to blame for it. I call bullshit on the whole of society for blaming them. Their fucking parents need to hung by their balls and be given a full ration or two on their deplorable parenting.
If you don’t care enough to be a good parent, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HAVING KIDS.
Thank you for writing about this issue from this perspective!! Every time I read one of these articles I’m always thinking where the hell were the parents?
I’ve done my share of bad things when I was little and got away with the majority of it, and this was before I ever owned a cellphone or a computer. The same kind of stuff happened, it’s like as soon as you hit puberty you think you’re the shit at 11 and 12 and looking back on it, I have no idea why! haha But it’s because we’ve all done stupid stuff as kids, both the regular kiddy stupid things and the things we thought we should be doing because we’re “adults” once we started liking boys.
I do have to say though that I think our current obsession with technology is making the peer pressure for this type of behavior be all the more prominent. I was in high school when MySpace first came out and of course I had one. When Facebook started making the rounds I was in one of the first 100 or so colleges that had access to it. Unless you went to college, you couldn’t get a Facebook and suddenly they made it acceptable for little high schoolers and middle schoolers to get one. Why? They’re in classes with the same people every damn day at that age, who do they need to keep in touch with? My parents couldn’t afford a computer until I was 15 and thankfully smart enough not to use it to make a total ass of myself. I think it was a year later that my mom got me a prepaid cell phone for emergencies or to get in touch with her only. I just don’t know what middle schoolers need with cellphones with unlimited everything at that age? When/if I ever have kids, unless they’re paying for plans themselves they’re not gonna be getting a cellphone before high school because there is no need for it otherwise.
Thanks for writing in and sharing your story HP! Sounds like your parents raised you well.
Indeed, all the kids carry cell phones these days. I gave my daughter a basic one with no data coverage- just texting (I would NEVER give her unlimited access). I liken it to having a teen-line when we were kids.
I’ve yanked the thing because of her grades and I’ve maintained that it’s a privilege and not a right. Parents have to draw the line and like you said, 11 and 12 year olds suddenly think they’ve reached adulthood, yet they don’t have the physiological brain capacity to make sound judgment- therefore they engage in risky behavior.
However, with rules in place, children should be given license to have a little fun. I don’t deny my daughter that if and UNLESS she screws up. And I’m watching her every minute.
I’m so glad you wrote this piece from the parent’s perspective. Even though it’s a given in my mind that parent’s have the first line of teaching, guiding, and in some sense, controlling their children, I often almost *forget* this part and go on to look at society’s ills.
I do have to say that you almost have a unique perspective as compared to a lot of parents because of what you went through as a teen. A lot of parents can’t (or won’t) say that, and your experiences are in some ways a cautionary tale for your teen. I have seen a bit of the opposite now with friends who have teenagers and even when I was a teen – their parents were too much in their lives, too “strict”, and so they had sex and did drugs just to rebel against them. One of my oldest friends has a little brother who still struggles with drug addiction in his late 20s because the way he processed through his depression (seems to be genetic in their family) was with drugs, no matter how many ways his parents tried to help him. It certainly is a fine line parents have to walk.
That said, I wholeheartedly agree that children – maybe girls in particular – need to be strongly influenced by their moms in their teenage years. And before. And boys. And dads. Ok, yeah, everybody needs to get in on the game.
Thanks for this perspective!
Hey Christine.
I indeed share a lot of my experiences with my child because I want her to know what kind of life I led. I have a very strong bond with my daughter and she can talk to me about anything- and I’m proud to say that she does. When I was growing up, I didn’t have ANYONE to talk to or lean on. I’m making sure that I’m there for her 110% because I’d rather die than allow her to go through the things I went through. When you love your kids, you do no less.
NO LIE! I walked some roads no child should ever see!!!!! Because of learning from my experiences I was able to teach my children to avoid the pitfalls I experienced. I can’t believe there are some many that were never read too as a child. Involvement in their lives. I have always had an open door policy with my boys now I can say very charming young men with appropriate manners and social graces. The most important thing you can teach a child is not the capital of the state of Washington but HOW TO THINK! Think it all the way through to the very end and then ask the most important question – IS IT WORTH IT? By that time probably not. My oldest is graduating from a major University with his bachelor’s degree this May. My youngest is working on video game testing and development. Both are wonderful adults and I enjoy having them as friends. I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far. It fails to amaze me that so many “parents” and I use that term losely considering it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to get knocked up fail to learn from their own pasts and intend to teach their children well. Children live what they learn – its up to the parents to teach them well. Even if it means facing your own inner demons to do it. You owe it to them. As much as you have given them life – you have sworn your life to them as well. You owe to them to do your best and call for reinforcements if necessary.
You’re right Heather, we raise our kids literally, from the ground up. Spending a lot of quality time and being actively involved in their lives is a vital part of their development.
Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you. And yes, you’ve done a pretty damn good job.
Great post! It is scary to see how many kids act out and end up in really shitty situations because their parents don’t give a crap. I’ve seen it enough with friends and people I went to school with.
Sounds like your daughter has a great mum and even if she will moan about not having a phone or about strict boundaries (as you do as a teen etc) she will thank you later.
Thanks for the compliment Nush! I like to think I’m a good parent and I guess I’ll know for sure when she’s grown. The teenage years are upon me- wish me luck.
Can’t pull the wool over the eyes of FW, that’s FO SHO!