The traditional marriage proposal typically involves a man getting down on bended knee, ring in hand, and balls intact neatly tucked away securely in his pocket snuggled up next to his open wallet. All this coupled (puns rule) with a generous amount of love, unreservedness, and sincere necessity to want to spend the rest of his life with the woman he’s asking.
Usually by the time a man is ready to marry, he has long arrived at a place where he feels he can thoroughly accept and wants to fully embrace marriage with the willingness to become a unit of one, possibly with the intent of raising a family. The key however is, it’s more his decision as to when and with whom he will settle down. That’s why it’s always been traditionally up to the man to be the one to ask.
Some men take to being single until they’re 25, and some still want to roll around naked in it until they’re 45. And some men never marry at all and are more than happy to immerse themselves in a common law co-habitation pact with a woman who doesn’t mind pretending that it’s completely okay with her to settle for what he is so cheaply haggling- a counterfeit nuptial treaty of table scraps that will eventually amount to tidbits intertwined with bitterness and regret.
We never ever see the formal role in reverse with the woman going all out in buying the stunning diamond, getting a football stadium full of people to watch her intently on the Megatron have a glaring starry-eyed moment of glee and gushingness while proposing- and him surrendering himself to the proverbial whimsical magic question with a “Yes, oh yes, I’ll marry you Jane! This is the happiest moment of my life!”
Fade to the culmination of the cheering crowd and her swinging him up from under his legs into her arms, whilst carrying him out to the perfectly planned shiny limousine, where they’ll drive off and begin their newly perfect perfected little lives.
While women don’t necessarily ask men to marry them in the silly exaggeratedly way I just described, women CONSISTENTLY, everyday of their lives, ask their men to marry them, discreetly, indiscreetly, manipulatively, naively, and yet dotingly, BUT their men are saying HELL NO without even having to say it outright.
Instead they say no by stringing them along, by asserting a keen desire to pursue women who are open to half-assed relationships, and by telling these women that marriage isn’t important but that they should opt for a less formal arrangement, hence the common law co-habitation epidemic that’s sweeping many single women off their feet and off their rockers.
The kicker here is that the woman who settles for and hopes that the man she’s with, who more or less imposes the rules surrounding this arrangement, will eventually evolve eagerly into desiring marriage with her, yet she doesn’t get that her constant nuances, jaded belief systems, and pressure-cooker style approaches are keeping her further and further away from marriage than if she were to just stay single.
Here are some indiscriminate ways women are “proposing” to men that just ain’t workin’:
- They agree to move in, play house (maid and all) and assume the role of the dutiful wife without any promise, much less any inkling, that the guy has her in mind as a marriage make. They agree to a “trial phase” which is almost always certain to promote laziness and complacency on the man’s part.
- They keep mentioning how important marriage is to them while they engage in an all out pressure war of wills with the man, not knowing he is becoming less and less passionate about the entire relationship, much less a marriage.
- They agree with him and tell them it’s unimportant and it’s of no real consequence to her to remain unmarried, when deep down inside her, it means everything. However, she thinks that complying with him and his set of ideals by being “flexible” and compliant will get him to change his mind when he realizes just how cooperative and easygoing she is.
- They reduce their standards to suit his, and conform to everything they think he wants by going overboard with the sex thing (i.e. allowing him to do things to her she would never do otherwise), by all-around kissing his ass, and by marching to the beat of his drum in every possible way.
- They don’t follow through with anything that pertains to the cruciality of the relationship as far as, and even in spite of, her needs being left unmet. They threaten to leave him without making good on their threats and they forgive him every time he makes excuses or acts foul, and they continually allow him to come back because they are co-dependent and void of will, which in effect, is counter-intuitive to what a man really wants in a wife.
- They think that by playing the damsel in distress in sending out an SOS whereby, they try and convince the man they need him to survive, he’ll suddenly oblige by rescuing her (into marriage)- that he’ll finally see that her neediness can only be remedied by marriage and commitment. So they feed his ego and make him the pivotal big savior man in their life and they think that will make him want to take on the role of the rescuer. When in fact, putting a man above you, in a much larger capacity than he is willing to take on for himself, is marriage material suicide.
When women test different strategies and employ the use of various manipulative tactics, THESE GUYS KNOW IT. In fact, they are more or less gauging and inevitably wincing at what kind of wife you’d be and ultimately, what kind you won’t. The fact that you’ve taken it upon yourself to pressure, persuade, convince, and “bully” a man into trying to marry you doesn’t make for a good wife and THESE GUYS KNOW IT.
He doesn’t want to be badgered directly, indirectly, coyly or purposefully into marriage. When a man wants to marry you, he’ll let you know it without needing you to have to try and make him realize it at all.
I can also say that a man KNOWS PRECISELY whether he wants to marry you or not. He may have different reasons, reservations and may use an entirely different approach than you might have ever hoped for or expected if and when he does decide to marry you, but he won’t hide behind excuses, lame justifications, nor 110,000 ways of getting you detracted and distracted away from your intentions of making him your husband.
He’ll either marry you or he won’t. And if you have to spend all your time asking him for it, you have it coming even less so than you think you deserve. Find a man who wants to marry you, not insist on wasting an irretrievable amount of your precious time with a man who doesn’t.
A man doesn’t want a woman to ask him for his hand in marriage. And although women don’t ask men customarily nor frank or direct, they do so by scheming, manipulating, and executing power plays- which is simply not effing cool to him any day of the week and even less so on Sunday.
Want a guy to marry you? Quit asking for it. And it also helps to find the guy who is willing to do the asking.
You may also like:
- Don’t Play the Victim When You’re the One Who Picked Him
- Why She’s Throwing Herself at You
- Prying Open That Clammy Guy
- It’s Okay to Be Needy
- Why She Bailed After Date Numero Uno
So…yeah, you are right- any-live in arrangement is a wrong step towards the full blown institution of marriage. Not because I’m an old fart that has a closed mind, but because I am an old fart with a very open mind that I know for a fact that men (and women) get lazy in relationships—not lazy with chores—but a comfortable lazy. A live-in situation is the same as a marriage with one teeny difference; all the pomp and circumstance that makes a marriage ceremonial. Not guaranteed to make marriages work, but it is a reason to show just a bit more commitment.
I totally agree, if the woman has to play any kind of game, she’ll end up unhappy- married or not. The same can be said about a man; If he marries her for any other reason than he really wants to eke out a lifetime with a specific woman- he’ll go nuts.
LMAO “old fart”. Stop it now.
You’re right, every man I’ve ever seen who opted to marry for reasons other than his own ended up nuts and miserable. I think a lot of men see that happening with certain women of whom they will remain unmarried- they already know instinctively that it’s never going to work.
Oh so very correct. Men won’t be manipulated into marriage. And if they will, why do you think the divorce rate is so high? I’m not saying it’s because of manipulation on the part of women exclusively but Feisty hit the nail on the head – men will propose when they’re ready. It’s up to the woman to decide to stick around and wait or not.
“It’s up to the woman to decide to stick around and wait or not.”
Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
i want to marry you
So true! You’re on a roll lately. Especially loving your use of the word “tidbits” in today’s installment.
Tidbits, scraps, shavings, splinters, etc. I’m just getting warmed up.
Agree with all above, however, I am a try it before you buy it woman. Mostly due to past experiences when the proposal comes, the party is over and at some point get to the “wanting to smother him with a pillow moment” or the “I can’t even stand to watch you eat” or worse yet “the fact you breath pisses me off”. Been there done that. As for women proposing straight out like a “man” would – ah no. That can go horribly bad… have seen it happen to others and that is the worse rejection anyone can go through. Not to say its easier on guys but women do have their way of dropping gentle hints and ususally he has a pretty good idea that she is going to say yes. Why rob him of planning that moment – executing that moment and manning up. My hubby did the romantic get away to my girlfriend’s wedding in beautiful Cancun Mexico and on the very spot she had taken her vows – he proposed on one knee – ring in hand (later after the reception). At the moment I said yes – tears ran down his cheeks – the joy in our hearts was heard as we drank tequila and shouted arriva throughout the resort. We had our honeymoon there and they remembered us. How and when a man proposes is up to him – how we let them know we are receptive to the idea is up to us – do it with class and style – and never stoop to low rent behavior.
Hi Heather.
I agree with “try before you buy”. But I don’t think women should move in with men before they even know if he wants to marry. A lot of them do it under the assumption that co-habitation will prompt the man to marry when in fact, often times, the opposite is true.
By all means, spend weekends together, take vacations and spend as much time as you can getting to know what makes the other tick- get a firm idea of what to expect the other person will be like when marriage is on the horizon. And when you really want to marry someone, you’ll overlook all the small things you wouldn’t tolerate in others.
Agree there Feisty – I want to know your intentions before I share closet space with you. LOL but I also want to know what you are really like on a day in day out basis before I take the plunge. If you are doing it right – you will know – if you are not doing it right – will also know when I kick your sorry ass out the door.
Yup just don’t let the door kick you up the ass and down the stairs on your way out.
Thats what contracts are for! LOL I not only want a ring on it – I want it in writing too!
What happens when you moved into together first thinking you were on the same page and thinking that marriage and babies and a house would all be down the road because you both talked about it and wanted it… and now you’re broaching four years together and even though it’s been discussed it still isn’t happening. And because you live together, pay bills together and have joint finances you know he’s not saving or planning. It hasn’t been a big deal, but not it’s beginning to hurt my feelings. I’m going to be 27 and we’ve been together this long. At one point or another something is going on in his head differently than in my head and despite me saying “these are the things i want, if you don’t want them that’s okay just tell me” and him saying “no i want those very same things like you” well okay. Is procrastination that strong of an issue? If he wants to get married he’ll propose, I agree, but at what point do you stay in this gray area of him saying he does and talking about it and its still not happening. Its confusing and it is game playing. But its hard to walk away from something you’ve put that much time into for this reason if it’s starting to tear me apart.
Hi Lindsay.
Your story is very very common. A lot of men enjoy the concubine live-in arrangement that is facilitated by empty talk and hollow promises. You’re 27, not getting any younger, and unfortunately you’re wasting irretrievable time.
Ironic I was planning to write about the “gray” area you speak of. If it hurts that much and it is against your principles, the only thing left for you to do is leave for the purpose of getting out- not hoping it will make him budge. I can pretty much guarantee that in you doing so, he isn’t going to suddenly cave and give you what you want. If he really wanted to marry you, he’d have done so long ago.
It’s your choice- sit around and keep waiting for him to make a decision he’s clearly already made, or get out and go after what you really want. Because right now, he’s clearly the only one reaping all the rewards.
The old addage of “Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free” applies in your first few examples – there are just some things that you have got to keep back (in my opinion). If a man doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want to get serious and doesn’t even want to get of his backside and ask you for a date ( something a friend and I were discussing – her claiming that man in question was’shy’, me claiming that the man in question was in fact not that bothered either way)then you doing everything in your power to make it so is probably going to put you on to a loser.
Great Post as always!
Indeed V, women need to quit breaking their backs for men. That’s why men are more than happy to keep breaking them- without any support, they can easily be torn down.
Turn the tables – Why buy the whole pig when all you get is a little sausage!
Sausage and milk go together nicely. Leave the pigs and the cows alone.
What are we talking about here?
In their book “To Couples enjoying a lifelong, stable relationship”, Julian and Annette featured the question of a man who’s co-habitating with his girlfriend for around 2 years. The girlfriend started urging him to get married. He asked, “If everything going is going well and we don’t have any problems, why do we have to get married?
The same question was asked back to him, “If everything is going well? Why is your girlfriend dissatisfied and wants to get married?”
Men have different expectations than women when it comes to cohabitation. Men are always satisfied with this arrangement because they get to enjoy everything (sex, doting partner who will darn his socks every night) without him losing his freedom. For men, even if they have a live-in partner, they still think they’re free.
In cohabitation women always lose. Their is a great risk of depression, self-pity, anger, lower self-esteem, lower degree of self-satisfaction and a higher possibility of domestic violence.
People who consider themselves modern and flexible argue that cohabitating is the way to go given that if things don’t work out, they are always free to leave and seek someone else. However, if both parties have reservations when it comes to making their relationship work, there is a greater chance that the relationship won’t work. Afterall, they always have Plan B>
“No car dealer allows a customer to keep test-driving a car without him buying it. Why would you allow a man to keep test-driving?”
I agree, a lot of people think cohabitation is an easy out if things don’t work out. In my opinion, if people really believe deep down that they need the option to take an out, they aren’t in it for the long haul to begin with. They also probably shouldn’t be together, even less so, live together.
Very interesting, thought-provoking post. Today, it’s okay for a woman to ask a man out, to take turns paying for dates, to bring home the bacon. But you really NEVER hear about women proposing marriage to a man (directly, that is).
I remember several years ago I was at a baby shower with girlfriends and one of them was complaining that her boyfriend of three years still hadn’t proposed. Another birthday, another Christmas goes by and still no ring. I asked, “Why don’t *you* just ask him?” The entire group looked at me like I was an alien.
But if she had, hey, she’d know. He could say yes and she’s happy. Or he could say no and she’d have her answer and be able to move on. Why should the woman have to sit around and wait, particularly when she’s the one on the time clock (cruel trick of nature)?
It’s true SG, a woman shouldn’t have to wait around for a man to decide on marriage at same time she is losing the battle with her internal clock. However, a woman should know when to walk away. If marriage is a priority to her, and to him it’s merely a front to get her to stick around, she better wise up and see it.
I’ve always been more about what I need than pleasing a dude, especially when he’s not looking to meet my needs or please me. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander.
I love the way you stated that women are indirectly proposing all the time by hinting, begging, threatening etc. My relationship forum is filled with questions by women who are desperately hoping that their man of many years will marry them. We have heard every excuse imaginable from the women sharing their stories, and in the end, an excuse is an excuse and the specifics of the excuse really don’t change the fact that he just isn’t going to marry them.
I never had to hint with my husband, when the time was right he proposed and we’ve been married for 17 years. Of course I always felt strongly that I would never marry a man that I had to drag down the aisle. Just out of pure pride alone I wouldn’t allow myself to do it, and that is what makes me saddest of all for these women. I wish they had enough pride in themselves to not let their man jerk them around.
Hi Tina! Thanks for stopping in.
“I wish they had enough pride in themselves to not let their man jerk them around.”
This is precisely what I’m talking about. If you want to get married and you want to be taken seriously, don’t put yourself in the position that allows him make you the laughing stock. If you want to be happy, don’t let some ass make it impossible for you to achieve it.
It’s up to us to decide for ourselves how we want things to turn out. If we’re content and intent with letting someone else decide how things should be, we have no right to be disappointed when they turn out to be much less than we expect.
I definitely wasn’t willing to live with a man before I got engaged. I wanted to be married. Very funny!
Funny Feisty I always have a “Plan B”. Women married or single dating women need a Plan B. I have seen too many time to count when the woman doesn’t know anythng about their finances etc… or how to cope on their own. Whether they walk out the door tomorrow or get wipped out in an accident. Women need a Plan B. It has nothing to do with trust, love, care or respect it has everything to do with an equal partner able to share the load, carry the load or at very least know where the load is.
Heather, I think that’s a very good idea. Too bad a lot of women don’t foresee things that could happen a lot of times because we believe “that isn’t going to happen to me”.
We need to consider any and every possibility. But life as it is is already very uncertain and precarious. It’s like not being able to predict a natural disaster- we can always prepare but there’s no guarantee we won’t succumb to a bad set of life circumstances..
Perfect , keep writing
What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander. It’s true SG, a woman shouldn’t have to wait around for a man to decide on marriage at same time she is losing the battle with her internal clock.
honestly lady, you sound like a bitter hag.
Thanks AA, you and that guy Patrick should head out & grab a cup of coffee.
Cheers,
FW
At the moment I said yes – tears ran down his cheeks – the joy in our hearts was heard as we drank tequila and shouted arriva throughout the resort. I think a lot of men see that happening with certain women of whom they will remain unmarried- they already know instinctively that it’s never going to work.