I’ve discussed before, the everyday occurrence many people experience in this day and age commonly referred to as “The Fade Away” in my article “Haven’t Got the Balls to Dump You”.
Everywhere you look, there’s a reasonable chance that someone you know, or even someone you don’t, has initiated, been in receipt of, or has been the friend of a friend of someone who has been left behind callously without closure- that is, they have essentially been dumped without being given an explanation, a clue or a hint.
They literally just wake up one day and POOF, the other person disappears like the work on a hard drive that’s taken a crap overnight and is void of any backup files.
There may be a dozen or so “valid” reasons (in the dumper’s mind anyway) why someone would go to such measures to avoid being confronted with breaking up- such as falling out of love, going back to an ex, getting pregnant by or marrying someone else, ditching town, or merely going out on a couple of dates and not liking the person enough to justify ditching them with the uniform gratuitous extension of closure.
There are dozens if not HUNDREDS of ways to dump people. However, doing it without actually doing it is without a doubt, the lowest way to do it.
It’s as though you’re basically telling the other person they aren’t worth diddly squat and there is no other appropriate way to dump them than to ensure you never have to see, look at or hear from them again.
Sad to admit it but I myself, have been this low down dirty coward. I can admit I lied unknowingly in saying that I never faded away on anyone back when I wrote “Haven’t Got the Balls to Dump You“. It’s true that it didn’t even occur to me to recall this one man, rather one boy, of whom I briefly and unfortunately encountered because it was very much a situation I didn’t want to remember and therefore, I can honestly say that I didn’t.
I was 18 and my best friend wanted to set me up with her boyfriend’s friend. I don’t even remember his name which is a very good indicator as to how little I felt about him. I was going through a rough time in my life when we met, yet I somehow decided going on a date with this guy would be harmless enough. Indeed it was relatively harmless (to me), but it would soon prove to be a situation I could’ve easily done just fine without.
We went on one date and long before the date even ended I knew I never wanted to see him again. And I took the easy way out and initiated the fadeaway.
From what I barely remember of him and the situation, it unfolded with him picking me up at my house in the evening and we went out. He was 17 I believe, very immature and couldn’t hold a conversation on a single thing meaningful. I don’t even remember where we went or what we did but I’m certain it involved having food somewhere and although I wanted to call it a night early on, he still wanted to hang around and “talk”.
I didn’t know what to do except all I wanted was to say goodbye and get rid of him. And unfortunately this was during my “being too nice” faze- the one in which I hadn’t yet acquired the balls I needed to get me to open my mouth and get things done long before they ever started to bother me. Instead, I caved a bit and agreed to spend a little more time with him talking.
I sure as hell wasn’t going to invite him in the house so I asked him if he wanted to sit with me in my car for a bit in the driveway because it was too cold to stand around outside. I definitely didn’t want to get back in his truck with him for I feared that he might start the ignition, take off somewhere and I might never been able to escape.
There we sat in my car and moments before, I started up the engine, let it run idle and got the heater going. Next thing you know, this stench of which I guessed must have been him finishing up processing his dinner filled up the entire inside of my car, and I immediately felt the kick start of my gag reflex hammering me in the back of my throat.
Yes, he farted. And I was mortified. I was now turned off even more so than before and was now also totally embarrassed. Embarrassed for him and embarrassed for me having been there. While he wanted to sit and marinate in the stench, hold hands and pretend like nothing smelled or even happened, I opened the window, cranked up the air, and covered my nose with the sleeve of my sweater. AND HE STILL DIDN’T GET THE EFFING HINT.
This was the highlight of the entire date, that is, about the only thing I even remotely remember about him was that he farted and stunk up the inside of my car from what seemed to emanate from the sheer ends of the earth to hell and back and beyond.
My best friend calls me the next day and tells me he’s dying to see me again, that he really likes me and that he had a great time. Her boyfriend was starting in on me as well, telling me everything she’d been telling me- “I’ve never seen him go after a girl like this/he wants to go out again/he can’t stop talking about you, etc.”
I simply didn’t have the heart to tell either of them what transpired, with his immaturity, me not feeling him in the slightest, and his deathly ill-fated funk-stained fart that made me want to cringe, ball over, and gasp for fresh clean air every time I thought about it.
Then he began calling and I began screening. He began leaving messages that I began deleting. This went on for about a week or so before my best friend calls me and tells me that he’s been calling her and her boyfriend all hours of the night wanting to know why I wasn’t answering the phone or returning his calls.
He was calling her so much that she became angry at me and demanded that I grow a pair and tell him I didn’t want to see him again. Even at her insistence, I still didn’t have the guts to tell him because the whole situation was so uncomfortable and unbearable that I was paralyzed and simply couldn’t do anything but refuse to have anything more to do with him. I just figured “this guy’s bound to get it sooner or later so I’m just going to continue on my current path of least resistance“. And it worked. He got the hint, I got on with my life and he got on with his. Or so I thought.
Then I kid you not, a year and a half later I ran into this guy at a driving range with my best friend and her new boyfriend (not the same boyfriend she was with who set me up with him) and the guy was still butt hurt and aching from inside his ilium to the depths of his smelly sphincter from hell.
My best friend’s guy asks me if I know that guy standing over there, pointing in his direction when I reluctantly said “yeah“.
He said, “Well, he was just up at the snack bar trash talking you saying you’re a slut and a bitch and that he was glad that he dumped you.”
I didn’t say a word. I didn’t even look at him a second time, completely ignored him, and we paid for our game and left.
Just goes to show how damaging a fadeaway can be on both ends, whether it’s after one date or after a year’s worth of commitment. When you don’t get or give closure and you leave people dangling, swaying back and forth and guessing with a dozen million undotted question marks, people don’t simply get over it. THEY REMAIN JUST AS PISSED AS THEY WERE BEFORE, IF NOT MORE SO.
So the lesson here, whether your date farts and smells bad or not, or whether you simply can’t stand them or not, just give ‘em the benefit of the doubt and politely end it. That way you can ensure they might hopefully understand and hopefully won’t get nasty and spiteful somewhere down the line in the future. Otherwise, prepare for the repercussions and the karma- the bitch who always comes back to bite you in the ass, sooner or later.
Others Featured From The Insomniac Club
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – F*cking in Brooklyn
Fade to Black – The Urban Dater
Sometimes Silence Is The Best Closure – Met Another Frog
Eyes Open -The Life and Times of Totally Tyler
To Fade or Not to Fade -Jess Downey, Not What I Ordered
Don’t Say Hello – Simone Grant
The Fade – The Book Of Love Was Written By A Sadist
Fading Into the Shadows – Miss Taylor Cast
You Say Fade? I Say Cop-Out – Women Are From Mars
Where The Hell Did You Go – SingleMuch
Da Fade Ladies and Gentlemen – Lena at Thank You For Your Sex
Ms. Fading Failure – The ManShopper
Oh karma! And the truck version of a dutch oven…?? Yikes!
I don’t remember the date, but I can still smell the fart. It was that EFFING bad.
While I agree that people need to grow a pair and at least be polite in actually engaging in the dumping (even in less mature avenues like email/texting) I honestly don’t think this would apply to a first date or even a second or third date. Those first few dates are only window shopping, you haven’t even gone in the store to really look around. A fade away that early in the game to me is fine because there’s been no commitment from either end aside from setting up the date.
Now of course once you get into weeks and subsequently months into a relationship (whatever type of relationship you want to call it) then I think the fade is a douche move and then you, me, everyone has a right to be pissed off about it.
Indeed, you are on point HP, however exceptions can be made when a guy/girl acts like the first, second or third date automatically equals commitment- as in the guy’s case above. LMAO I should’ve definitely told this guy to buzz off.
I have heard of people fading after being in full blown relationships, as you mentioned and that is simply going above and beyond being a douche. I have never endured such terrible, inexcusable shit however, there are TONS of people who have. And it’s weak as hell.
I would have a tough time executing the fade away even as early as after the first date. I can’t imagine ignoring phone calls or second hand messages from anyone who wanted a second date where I do not. A simple ‘no’ goes a long way towards letting someone off the hook.
Yup Alex, I totally agree. I could’ve handled it much better than I did and really, there’s no excuse. It was indeed a learning experience that has since been ingrained in me. We were both very young and I’m sure now, all the more wiser.
Believe me, this is a lesson I had to learn as well; along with quite a few others- some resulting in the multitude of head scars I have
I think it’s ok when the person who is getting the fade-away is a douche anyway, I had to cut a guy off, and that’s another form of the fade-away. However, it was because he kept doing the re-appearing act, basically fading away then returning when he wanted something. So there, I don’t regret the fade-away nor am I apologizing.
Hey Miriam! Long time no see!
“Re-appearing act”. LOL I’ve seen that shit before. NML refers to it as “blowing hot and cold”. In that case, telling them to eff off is even more appropriate, that way you can def ensure they will never come back. Although if you fadeaway and remain in “no contact” (again referring to NML) indefinitely, they do eventually go away forever. So I guess each situation calls for its own appropriate measure depending on the level of douchiness one is dealing with.
Hilarious. And you had the sweetness of the heater to make it even more memorable. That guy sure knew how to charm the ladies with his class!
Yup, he sure knew how to use his ass too, and not in the way one would normally like or appreciate.
The bitch is welcome to bite me in the ass as long as she doesn’t blow noxious fumes in my direction. Seriously, if nothing else the guy was memorable.
oxo
JFB
LMAO true Jacks. Too bad I remember his fart much more than I do his face.
The sadder part is that HE DIDN’T GET IT! Not over it or moved on. Yes the fade away is a bad plan no doubt. But truly only you can give yourself closure. Its over when you say it is. They may have taken the chickenshit way out but its up to me to slam the damn door and get on with it. Karma is a bitch and a goddess. How you treat her is how she will treat you so don’t be surprised when the door slams you in the ass. It does swing both ways.
It’s true Heather, he DIDN’T get it. LOL And I’m the dumb one for not giving it to him in a way he’d understand.
I think the karma train passed thru my hometown after this more times than I care to remember.
I’ve also put much thought into the ‘disappearers’ as I call them. I was once a disappearer, too. Debate in my circles centered around the idea that disappearing was ‘less bad’ than being honest. I tended to disagree but many women I’ve spoken to about this have argued that point with me. “I can’t believe you dumped her like that!” they’d cry. I asked them what I should have done and they argued that it would have been better to have said nothing than to have been honest with them about my reasons for not being interested.
The debate rages to this day.
I can appreciate your perspective. The truth hurts really effing bad sometimes and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. We all claim to want honesty but can we really handle it when we get it?
Wow, that was quite a response…a year and a half later after one date? Seriously, he had issues…but maybe I will excuse him due to his youth
He was very young and very immature. And as you can tell, so was I.
When guys are absolutely annoying and clueless, I must say I’m guilty of pulling the fade many a times. But hey, it always sucks when you’re on the receiving end, so I understand.
I went on a date with a guy recently where he talked about himself the ENTIRE time, and not once asked me anything about myself….in three hours. He hasn’t called me since the date, should I be upset about the fade?…
I think not.
Lennie
Hey Lennie.
Sounds like a real douche. And him not calling since the date is your best friend. Whew, did you dodge a bullet.
Oh my gosh…I know that this is an older post, but I can SO still feel the mortification of being *broken up with* by the fadeaway, as if I never meant a single thing to the loser who seemingly broke up with me. This is the guy who went on ad nauseaum about how crazy he was about me, who started dating me right after my younger brother’s death, and when I was feeling numb and completely alone and vulnerable in the first place, who pursued me, and turned out to be a total nut job. God, it was YEARS ago, and just thinking about it sickens me. For the record, I’ve never had an ounce of trouble attracting men, and moved on after the oddity of this particular experience to date other guys more suited to me, in a clearer frame of mind than when I was in a state of raw grief over my loss, but really…why did this guy not just leave me alone to begin with. Why was he so attracted to me when I was at my wort emotionally due to the shock of having dealt with this loss. To cap it off, he was a friend of my brother’s who had previously had the hots for me and who I had blown off as not being my type. Maybe it was just some kinmd of payback, as sick as that sounds, for my not having had romantic interest in him earlier. Not that I was ever involved with himm, rude to him, or anything of the sort…just weirdness, I guess, most likely ego driven. But this post somehow brought all of that crap back into my thoughts. Who knows why people do the things they do, I guess that is what it all boils down to. I have a terrific guy now, thank goodness, and he treats me with love AND respect…as I do him.
LOL And I’m the dumb one for not giving it to him in a way he’d understand. “Re-appearing act”. Not over it or moved on.