This month’s topic for The Insomniacs Club is centered around discovering your partner is still actively using their online profile on a dating site.
Online dating is a huge, lucrative, and technologically pervasive millennial phenomenon. Think about it- merely 15 years ago, online dating was barely in its infancy and NOBODY used it, unless it was linked to some nasty escort-type porn site where you paid with your right arm (pun intended) for some cyber chick to come and polish of the old doorknob.
Although, I would also argue that isn’t classified as dating- that’s bare-bones prostitution and definitely wasn’t and isn’t mainstream, even at present.
However nowadays, you got your Craigslists, your Plenty of Fishes, and your eharmonies, and you got plenty of the resulting hapless and relentless edatingonlinesucks failure stories. Seems like a whole lot of bang for your buck as far as bullshit when we hear all too often, people are getting taken for suckers on dating sites time and time again.
I’ve expressed my disdain for online dating in “Dating Services and Getting Shafted” simply because I feel it takes away from the intimacy of meeting in person and the entire formal dating arrangement because a lot of people see it as a license to behave like big blazing bastardly asshats.
I have yet to meet one person who’s completely 100% satisfied in their online dating endeavors towards finding love and commitment, and I can bet with absolute certainty that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has used online dating services has had at least one bad experience. And if they say they haven’t, they are either extremely lucky, extremely lame or are extreme liars who have huge egos that need a big long wet rubbing.
I realize that dating services are a great avenue to meet people that you wouldn’t have a chance to meet otherwise. However, I have a real problem with the lack of candor and civility that have become the basis and the “norm” in being sheltered among the confines and obscurity of online dating. From the users, to the matchmakers, to the victims- everyone somehow expects that things will go bad at some point, and they are encouraged to proceed with caution and a healthy amount of skepticism.
For example, people should “expect” that when they meet someone online, there’s a decent chance that person is going to be dating others from the site right along with them yet, they’re totally blindsided when they discover it’s happening to them.
And what happens, say a few months down the line, when you think you’ve reached a level of exclusivity and you find out your would-be partner is on there trying to do it up with other people? What the hell are you supposed to then? These dating “experts” and matchmakers sure don’t tell you do they?
So what should you do when you discover some lameoid is still actively using their online dating profile while they’re actively dating you?
Reactivate yours and let them know that you’re okay with seeing other people.
This is the route I’m certain I would take. I would non-chalantly begin seeing other people as well, because you definitely shouldn’t leave any stone unturned.
I’d also be sleeping with them, trying to spend my weekends and every single minute planning out-of-town extravaganzas and family get-togethers with this person. I’d undoubtedly put them at the top of my priority list.
You can let them find out you’re being active on the dating site and by being seen, hope that the pot calling the kettle black will be a good way to get them to open their eyes. It just might get this person on your side and in your corner yet. By being manipulative and sneaky, the person shouldn’t get extremely irritated to the point of no return and shouldn’t forsee that the end is on the horizon.
Or let’s see we can…..
Do the low down thing and make up a fake profile to use as bait.
Some people just need the confirmation that the person is doing dirt and they think that unleashing a Pandora’s box of conspired temptation is going to confirm their suspicions.
They can’t open their effing eyes to the possibility that they’re getting screwed fast and hard up the rear. So what do they do? They make a fakey-fake profile with a super hot girl with juggies abound and start winking at dude to see how he’s going to react. Well, that’s a “fun” way to get the wheels greased up and spinning, but let’s just take a step back here and logically assess the situation before resorting to such extremes:
Said person is STILL USING THE DATING SITE REGARDLESS of whether or not you put up a decoy.
If bleeding out a wound with salt is what you really feel you need to do in order to sleep at night, do it. But don’t think you’re going to be exonerated from the pain and the hell you will cause for yourself.
YOU KNOW HE/SHE IS UP TO NO GOOD IN HANGING AROUND ON A DATING SITE WHILE THEY’RE HANGING AROUND WITH YOU. How much more confirmation do you really need?
Do you realize how absurd, idiotic and depressing all of this sounds? Yet, I am not making up the fact that this is what people do.
Instead, this is what should be done…..
Call them out on it.
Ask them, seriously, what the f*ck man?!?
Did they honestly think you weren’t going to find out about it, or were they doing it intentionally so that YOU WOULD FIND OUT?
It doesn’t take but two licks of common sense for people to know that chances are considerably great that the other person is going to find out you’re still active on your profile if that is where you met them in the first effing place. In fact, I’ve heard people do this on purpose to slight each other so that they can convey, without actually verbalizing it, that they are no longer interested in dating the other person.
People LOVE taking the easy way out because they’re weak as hell and hate confrontation, and using your online dating profile to spite the person you’re dating is a really good way to piss them off and to ensure your success in relationship failure.
Try taking a step back and looking at the situation with an objective eye. If someone is being an intentional jerkoff (which is the only logic behind using a dating site frankly and out in the open), take it as a clue to get the eff out already. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time trying to figure it out. IT’S DEAD IN THE WATER.
Cut them off.
Establish a rule from the get-go if the relationship starts taking off that it isn’t effing okay for dude/chick to keep using the dating site. Period. Have a “canceling of the dating profiles ceremony” together if you must. Just make sure that it is known to the other person that it isn’t open for negotiation.
Of course, in the initial stages of a relationship, it is to be expected that the person is going to continue dating other people, BUT IF THEY ARE LEADING YOU TO BELIEVE SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE, THEY SHOULDN’T KEEP USING THE DATING SITE. PERIOD.
People talk about dealbreakers and being stern with this and that, and how ABCDE & F doesn’t work for them. Well, add this one to the list. If it isn’t okay with you, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN and if it does, GET RID OF THEM.
Maybe I still remain a bit old-fashioned in that I believe people should meet by chance. By being in the right place at the right time, by knowing the right people and BEING RIGHT WITH YOURSELF. Why? Because that’s the only thing that ever works.
That’s the only thing that ever worked for me and I’ve never used a dating site. Coincidence? Perhaps not.
Other takes on the matter from The Insomniac Club:
Awaiting Vesuvius by Jack From Brooklyn
Confirming My Suspicion by Simone Grant
Cheating in Cyberspace by MetAnotherFrog
Does it Matter if Your Lover has an Online Dating Profile by The Urban Dater
Active in the Last 24 Hours by Miss Taylor Cast
Secret Online Profiles by Women Are From Mars
When Your SO Still Has a Profile On an Online Dating Site By Jess Downey
What Would An Insomniac Do by Lucky Gal
The Insomniacs Club and the Jungle of Online Dating by Lena
Ms. Scorned Woman By The Manshopper
The interesting thing about the online/offline thing to me is: people online can be honest and people who are sitting in front of you can lie to your face. I think anyone who’s got any romantic experience has had to deal with some shit, but clearly if you’re already an asshat being online exacerbates the problem.
Love your mix of old-fashioned and modernista.
JFB
You’re definitely right about that Jacks. People don’t need dating sites to lie. Lying set precedent long before the technological revolution.
Still online – end of line. PERIOD! No exceptions. I used a dating site once and only once – glad I never met the guy in person. We chatted online nice enough and talked about meeting that was until he started telling ME who I was because I was not willing to meet on his terms. NOT EVEN. No thanks – you only need one jerk experience to tell you what you already know. Its far to easy to hide behind the screen. You don’t get the opportunity to really see how this person carries themselves or observe body language or ordor for that matter.
As for someone who continues or even bothers with dating sites is a dealbreaker for me! If you aren’t man enough to walk up and present yourself as a decent human being you have no place in my world. My experience with dating someone who was (unknown to me) surfing on the online dating sites as single has confirmed for me that most of these lurkers on the net are beating off to online pix of women they wish they could have and getting their jollies that way. Too many sickos thats for sure.
If you even HAVE an online profile – DON’T BOTHER! END OF LINE…….
I would have to concur. I don’t know, the idea of my guy still having an online dating profile (not sure if I’d find a guy to date on a dating site if I were single) just doesn’t sit well with me. I’d feel insulted and taken for a fool. However, as Alex from Urban Dater has said, trust is the issue ultimately. At the same time, I think I should trust my partner to close their account, shouldn’t I?
And yes, a lot of these stupid piggish dudes with wives and gfs want pics. I know I wouldn’t be happy if I found out my guy was cruising for pics. I’d kick his rear end like no other.
You know, dating in general can be some shit – regardless of if it’s online or not. That being said, I tried the online thing and hated it – mainly because I’m with you Feisty and need to meet in person.
I’m surprised you agreed with me this time Niks. LOL We usually have it out on everything! LOL Although I am surprised to hear you say you don’t like it. You’re so “hip and up with the times”, I figured you’d be breaking a half million hearts online across the world. Ha!
A feisty post from a feisty gal! Great post! I really enjoyed your perspective and the fact that you shine a light on the passive aggressive behavior often used to confront an essentially passive aggressive way of ending a relationship. The key is communication, and that isn’t exclusive to relationships born online or off. Jack is right to point out that liars exist on both sides of that playing field. Dating horror stories existed long before on-line dating did.
As someone who does use online dating as an option of meeting people, I disagree somewhat with your opposition to it. I have most certainly met a lot of douchebags, but I have also met some really accomplished, interesting, wonderful people. None have yet led to that holy grail of the still-lasting relationship, but neither have those I’ve met the old-fashioned way. I’m not so convinced that where you meet, or how will be the deciding factor in a relationship’s success. But honest, open communication sure will be, and when someone you’re dating exclusively is looking to date someone else without telling you, well, that’s end game right there.
So with you on the fact that you can meet both douchebags and gems online or offline; and that how you meet someone is not a deciding factor re a relationship’s success.
Trust, honesty, open communication and a host of other relationship issues are bound to come up no matter how you meet your partner.
True, that’s what it comes down to- how you actually feel about each other when you meet. All else is pretty irrelevant.
Indeed, Lucky Girl, it’s not really about how you meet but how it will end up. I met my husband on a blind date, and you know the stigma attached to a blind date is probably right on up there with any other situation that seems wack. Maybe even more so. I was married long before online dating reached the level its seen at today and I honestly don’t know if I would use it. Though I would say I probably wouldn’t knock it before I tried it.
Oh that would actually be kind of sweet if there was a “taken” status on profiles where you see past faces that the company can use as proof of their successes. Oh well. Marketers don’t think like that. Such a shame. Maybe one day I will take a chance on a dating site. I’m feeling dangerous.
That’s a perfect idea Walls! It’s like, either you’re in or you’re out and there’s no in between. Not really fair for the user.
If you do decide to go with it, FOR SURE, let me know how it turns out!
I think what I love most about your take on this is your aggressiveness. Calling people on their shit. Fighting fire with fire. =) I think we may share the same portion of a brain. I’m aggressive too, I push the action. I’ll force the issue every day ending in y.
Love this. =)
Yeah Alex? Well, I’ll push it everyday ending in “Z”.
It was a joke bro. Haha!
I used online dating off and on for a few years, and it’s a matter of discerning if the person is right for you based on their profile. In addition, conversing telephonically helped and determined whether or not I would meet a guy. Unfortunately I’ve been unsucessful in meeting Mr. Right as most men I’ve spoke to don’t have a mortage or a lease, their unemployed/layed off, never married, or a personality that could never match beyond getting acquainted. All were over 40 years old. I think it’s a good choice to “meet” people, but not soley for finding soul mate.
Great post. Bottom line (for men and women) is this: If you tell someone that you believe the new relationship you’ve formed with them has potential and you want to see where it goes, kill your damned profile. Period. If you don’t, then you’ve got issues that need to be resolved, and if the other person finds your profile still out there and still sticks around, it’s their own damned fault if they get hurt.
I just went through this. Just posted over on Simone Grant’s site about a recent situation where I wasn’t actually TOLD that he wanted exclusivity but everything he said to me, INCLUDING “I want us to take the time to get to know each other because I think this relationship has potential” and “I really miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” yadda yadda, and then I find out that while my profile is hidden, Mr. Wonderful is still trolling. I’m certain he’d provide many excuses for it – all of them believable…if you’re blind. I’m not blind.
This man has commitment issues, and my guess is, that even though he’s a single dad and he SAYS he doesn’t have time to date other women, that he’s out dating other women every chance he gets.
My response? NEXT!
I’m glad I found this out after 2 months instead of 2 years. Silver linings everywhere.
If you are from Atlanta, I may have just had your leftovers.
This guy is a divorced man who contributed to the creation of a gradeschool daughter.
It is so gross to see him talk about how fabulous he is and how reknown he is in the city. All of his attention is focused on him.
Said the same to me – no time to date anyone else. I told him after 3 mos of dating that I wanted to know if he had issues taking down his profile. He said no problem. No problem resulted in a friend of mine alerting me to the fact that IJUSTDISCOVEREDMYPENISANDCANTSTOPMOLESTINGMYSELFPLEASECHEERMEON was online at that very moment almost a wk post discussion.
I asked about it. He had no idea that when he opens an email from the dating site that is linked to his personal email, that the service auto logs him in. What a d*ck. So busted.
Called his biotch ass out and he avoided me. I finally found out the skank has law suits out the kazookie in his past, serious accusations of sexual battery and married one yr in his mid 40s and dumped by his wife under the cover of darkness.
It would be acceptable if the narcissistic pansy had said he wanted to be a perpetual man whore. He assured me his goal was not to be the pig he turned out to be.
You want cooties? Go to match experience the joys of slobdom. Not just men. Women as well. Sadly, there are nice, warm people interspersed on the site. Wonder if the service would remove him if they knew about the past documentation. The man pig is a selfish, cold, spotlight whore spoiled brat who is not happy unless his ego is being stroked 24/7. No one could ever satisfy this empty cadaver. Sickly, he is well known. His public personality is a ruse. His exes know the volatile mess he is behind the image he would have others believe. It is a matter of time before people like him leak their true selves into enough places that people systematically abandon them.
None have yet led to that holy grail of the still-lasting relationship, but neither have those I’ve met the old-fashioned way. Called his biotch ass out and he avoided me.
I did not meet my present boyfriend online. We met “the old fashioned way” He actually tells me he LOVES me. Sends me text messages with little kissy faces, etc.
I have recently discovered his “UPGRADED MEMBER” profile on Plenty of Fish. Sigh. I avoid online dating because of all the BS, but you can’t get away from it.
so glad that i just stumbled upon this site and article. for 2 years i have been casually seeing a man and just found 3 online profiles for this clown! he is on plenty of fish, match and jdate. he is catholic so how pathetic is that! we recently had a conversation about a relationship where he indicated that he didnt want one. his profile states he is looking for a relationship! actually it is pretty corny, he says he looking for someone that when he looks into their eyes he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with them. he describes that feeling as priceless! he is 47 years old, never married and no children so it seems like he is describing some mythical thing. i share your view of online dating and think that technology is killing tradition. also, in this case i think he believes there is something better on the horizon. from what i can tell he has been at this for 3-4 years so obviously cinderella’s profile continues to elude him. in the end, i feel foolish bc i assumed all along that he was dating other people, i was too, but to have 3 online profiles searching for that special someone while you are intimate with me is just insulting. i confronted him and he said the profile was there for ages. then when i told him it showed me he logged in that day, his answer was that the site sends an email notification when a girl contacted him on the website and that he went on to delete the message. so even when caught, he wasnt honest about it. obviously i just got caught up with a dishonorable man but it just shows you what type of individuals are lurking online. either he is lying to me about his intentions or he lying to the women online to lure them in. either way he is a liar.
hallo to all,
i am living proof that on line dating works BUT there are a lot of assholes to be aware off. I was quite lucky with my man i met him on Badoo.com and it was my first day on the site. He just asked me an interesting question and that is how it started now its almost 5 months and we are happy and thinking about getting married if things go allright. He is not a loser has a very good job and highly intelligent. I am delighted and feel very lucky lady. We love each other very much. I still have a profile on the same dating site and so does he but i changed my status to in a relationship and he did the same that way everybody knows. i heard horrible stories from ppl who used dating sites but i guess you have to be lucky and careful.
so good luck to you all and live long and prosper xxx
After 5 months you’re thinking of getting married? No offense but that’s not a great idea. Use common sense and date for at least a year. That way, there’s a higher chance of seeing all his quirks/quarks, or dark secrets, such as he dresses up in your skirts when you’re not at home
Yep…the whole thing becomes quite addictive and thus hard to focus on one person. I have numerous friends who’ve met and eventually married after an online courtship, including myself. There is a lot of entertainment and distraction to be found online, but when the right person finally shows up, you know it and no one else will do.
Online dating is a shopping mall where men & women will only select the best of the best. This selection is mostly based on photographs, less so on content. There may be plenty of opportunities but due to sheer competition your chances are slim, as you get slotted into Option A,B,C,D and so on.
There’s no verbal or non-verbal cues so you really haven’t a clue if you’ll actually be attracted to this guy/girl. One thing I’ve come across is many women online have over inflated sense of self-worth, due to all the messages they receive. This is not indicative of reality at all, it’s merely easier to drop messages left right and center in the hopes of attracting attention.
Mostly what I’ve found are undateables, losers of all kinds, deadbeats, desperados, hideously unattractive. It’s online afterall, this is where the weirdos come out to play.
Just found this article…thank you for confirming my recent actions were correct. I’ve just found out my bf of a year has been online dating for 5 months (we met offline). I confronted him (by phone) only to have him get incredibly defensive and hang up on me. I’ve not heard from him in nearly a week. Today I took his house key back to him and left it in the mail box (he wasn’t home) with a note saying that I want mine back. I refuse to be any ones second fiddle while they search for someone “better”.
Tried a few dating sites. Meny of the men on POF, datehookup, okcupid.com are underemployed, unemployed, never married, ( one told me he had a basement apartment: turned out it was the basement of his parents house where he’d been living for 7 years since his second divorce).
In the past month I’ve met 2 men: One was incredibly needy, a cheapskate and immature( actually asked what I tipped the waitress after I paid for a round of drinks and then said she probably makes more money than us. I told him if you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to date).
The second man seemed to be a good match: we had much in common, went out to dinner, on another date dancing and then to a concert but when I asked him during the 3rd date how long he’d been single, found out he was MARRIED!
Even though I had on my profile don’t contact me if married, separated or in a relationship, his defense was ” he never said he was single.” Well, geez, if you’ve got a profile on a dating site, is it unrealistic to think that person is single? He was separated but had not yet filed for divorce. I decided to end it as I didn’t appreciate his dishonesty and lying by omission, nor did I want to get involved with a married man.
Online dating is risky and filled with “window shoppers,” those who like to flirt but won’t go out on a date, those who are married or have a girlfriend or those who have nothing to offer ( no job, chronically ill, underemployed, still living with parents or even have their adult kids as roommates).
I’m hoping there is someone who is “normal,” a job, education, not married, or desperate but after almost 8 years of off and on several sites and never had a relationship come from it, it doesn’t seem promising.
I guess the best advice beware and keep your guard up and good luck.
for 2 years i have been casually seeing a man and just found 3 online profiles for this clown! obviously i just got caught up with a dishonorable man but it just shows you what type of individuals are lurking online. Sends me text messages with little kissy faces, etc.
Omg I love this post! This happened to me!!! I’ve never done online dating at all. I don’t even have a Facebook I kinda really hate social media. Even me doing this post thing is barely me but I love that people feel me! I was involved with a guy for over 4 years and it was a very passionate relationship. I knew him for like 8 years. Anyways he promised he loved me blah blah I was the only one blah blah liiieee! I never completely trusted him so one day I did a search on a nickname I found out he uses. Sure enough he was on SEVERAL dating sites and on them actively I mean he was alwaaaaays online! I mean this guy was on every free site there was to offer and paid ones ill bet. How could he be so selfish?! I was so faithful it would have killed him if I did that. Anyway I pretended not to know for a little bit just cause it was interesting to see how long he’d lie. Btw he’s 29, I’m 24 and I’m a damn cute girl we had an amazing connection but my Goood what a liarrr. He wanted an open relationship on his end but not mine. Asshole. Well I ended things and he still tries to have me back but that’s not happening. I’ll always trust my female pisces intuition
I know that was long but thanks its nice to vent about the dueche.