11 Reasons Your Vag is STANK

I know this goes waaaay against the grain of my philosophy behind mentioning our “unmentionables” but I can no longer pretend it isn’t a huge problem. Women need to get with it because their men are suffering in unbearable silence.

Your man doesn’t know how to tell you about it because he doesn’t understand it himself, nor is he coping with it very well at all.

Your vag is not smelling like it should. It should smell just like, well… a vag. A healthy, clean one. It shouldn’t measure up to something that’s decomposing, grotesquely rank or non-human, and I’m going to spare you all those revolting stereotypical real-life comparisons we always hear about, even though most of them are unfortunately true.

It should just be….. normal. The kind of normal that entices a man into wanting to spend the weekend with you, not leaving him wanting to hurl himself out of a second story window as soon as your skirt drops.

Smelling bad IS NOT normal on any account, despite all the disgusting jokes you hear.

I hear men complaining about it all the time. They can’t bring themselves to take a sip of your drink even though they are absolutely dying for it, because they can’t bear the thought of having to hold their breath. Men LIVE for this experience and they want to breathe you in and absorb you with all of their 5 senses. So when his sense of smell is butchered to death by your stank, you’re in for a real downer (pun intended).

There are real reasons why it smells and there are things you can do about it so you no longer have to feel embarrassed or ashamed. After all, nobody wants to be around the chick who stinks up the place something awful.

1) You’re using the wrong soap.

All those pretty pink $85.00 soaps that dispense from a flowered spigot in the middle of a purple bottle are total crap. They are heavily perfumed and loaded with additives that destroy the natural flora in your vag. It already has its own natural filtration system that keeps the good bacteria flowing and the bad bacteria at bay. These fancy soaps do nothing but interrupt this, so just throw them out.

2) You’re not using ANY soap.

You have to wash away odor with SOMETHING. And that involves using soap. You don’t need anything extravagant and definitely nothing harsh. Just your everyday mild $2.59 drugstore bar soap or body wash with a good Ph balance is all you need but please, make sure you use it.

3) You’re wearing the wrong drawls.

Your panties should have a cotton lining that acts as a barrier and is absorbent, yet dries quickly. If they’re hanging around there between you and some skin tight pants all day and night without that barrier, it’ll be a riving stink bomb waiting to detonate. A cotton liner does a lot to keep you dry so make sure they have one.

4) You’re not CHANGING your drawls.

Change those suckers and often! I change my knickers 2-3 times a day. I wear my cutesy, lacey ones during the day and throw on the full-on grannies at night. Nice, comfortable, clean and fresh. I have 3 drawers stuffed FULL of different types of panties so I’m never without the right pair for the right occasion.

5) You have an infection.

This one is probably the #1 reason behind your stink. Bacterial infections and STIs can definitely cause some unsightly symptoms and these have to be treated by a doctor. Make an appointment for a pap and a pelvic exam. Discuss your symptoms with your doctor and she will run some tests. If you think you may have an infection, get it checked out right away.

6) You are eating too much of the wrong foods.

I love cumin, onions, curry, garlic, chili powder and hot sauce as much as the next gal. But eating TOO MUCH of this stuff is going to come through your pores in a bad way. Save the real excessive stuff for once or twice a week or it’s going to snowball into an avalanche of funk that EVERYONE will notice, clothed or not.

7) You’re not wiping properly, if at all.

It boggles my mind that women use 3 times as much toilet paper as men, yet they’re the ones who smell bad. Make sure you’re wiping front to back and not side to side and down your leg or any other abnormal variation. Also, what goes on in the back should NEVER be mixed with what’s going on in the front. Above all, make sure you’re wiping. Drip drying is not a leisurely sport.

8) Your man’s love stick chemistry profile is a little off from yours.

If you notice post-coital odor every time you lay it down, it is safe to say that you and your man mixing yourselves together is like putting Pennzoil in your Pellegrino. It just isn’t working. Then again, it could very well be an infection. If you are using condoms (like you should be), it may be that you’re having a reaction to the material they’re made of. Like #5, talk to your doctor.

9) Your hygiene regime isn’t working.

You’re not washing, rinsing and drying properly. You only need to wash the external area of your vag with soap and a washcloth, but you need to get between every nook and cranny outside of the opening. Do it gently and rinse THOROUGHLY. And above all, dry it off completely. Use a hair-dryer if you must but make sure it’s completely dry before you slip those panties on.

10) You are douching.

HUGE NO-NO! I can’t stress this enough. This falls right in line with #1 and the bacterial issue. No liquids should be shot up there at 78 mph besides your man’s love juice, if that’s how you two get down. Douching is very harmful and causes infections because of bacterial imbalance. Leave your fluids alone, your vag knows what its doing.

11) Feminine hygiene products are wack.

Sprays, powders, creams, fancy wipes, pantyliners and all this other nonsense is a big gimmick. They don’t work and they cause itching, irritation, and yes, odor. They are worthless and a big waste of money. Just stick with the basics because that’s all you need. Keep it SIMPLE to avoid the STINK.

I can safely say that I don’t have this problem and haven’t had it my entire adult life, nor have I had any complaints. Smelling good is good for biz and when everything’s right, you can’t go wrong.

My husband’s a very happy man. Yours will be too.